Title: Cradle of the Sun
Author: John Clagett
Cover artist: Robert Stanley
Yours for: $13
Best things about this cover:
- "Sorry, ladies! Filene's Attic is closed!"
- "I just flew in from Cleveland and boy are my arms tired ... get it? ... airplane [mimes airplane] ... yeesh, tough room."
- Rick Astley protects his Mayan mistress from the Spaniards: "Never gonna give her up ..."
- "Excuse me, sir, we mean no offense. It's just ... you have a bit of mole sauce under your right nipple ... just ... here. Might I suggest you try donning a shirt next time you partake of a meal?"
Best things about this back cover:
- No offense, ma'am, but: Worst Hat Ever. I wanna club her head with a stick and see if candy comes out.
- "Taut tale" — aw yeah, tell me more.
- She does not seem impressed with the size of their knives. In fact, I'm not convinced she's really looking at them. "Excuse me guys, I think I see Enrique over there. Oh Enrique!"
Page 123~
"By God, Suarez, rejoice! Your wit has at last produced an idea!"
~RP
[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter]
15 comments:
Back cover's a bit blurry. Does it say she's armed at the snatch?
She is bending at a really weird angle there on the back. And the look on her face is not like she's afraid for her lover but rather like she's offended by the mens' BO.
Gentlemen, before your next duel to the death, please use some Arid XX-Dry!
The red-headed guy is Spanish, and the light-skinned woman is Mayan?
From the front cover, my first impression was that this was a sort of Rider Haggard rip-off. I suppose not, but it does actually look like it might be half-way decent. I like the page 123 quote.
The art, OTOH, is something else. I think the only figure even remotely authentically dressed are the conquistadors. @Tulse, in the artist's defense, there ARE blond and red-headed Spaniards. Mostly from Galicia, but they are there. I've actually known more than one.
Front Cover:
Conquistador in left-hand corner:
"Pssst! Manny... I hear dis guy's got tangerines for cajones right about here..."
Lady, thinking to herself,
" Did I leave the oven on?"
The Mayan princess on the front cover doesn't seem overly concerned.
"Intensely interesting" So this would be shorthand for 'I had to say something about this dreck.'
Back Cover:
* You gotta' love the native princess' push up bra! (Such engineering wasn't beyond the Maya, I'm told. =p)
* And how 'bout, "...he is taken captive by the Mayas --- with their strange rites of human sacrifice."
"Strange"? To describe human sacrifice?! How about, "fierce", "bloodthirsty", or "heinous"? --- 'Sounds more like reverse hyperbole to me, as if they are describing a peccadillo.
* "Tragic and cruel" may be a warning about the reader's overall experience in perusing this book.
Rick Astley protects his Mayan mistress from the Spaniards: "Never gonna give her up ..."
I think Rex just Rick-Rolled us...
That princess just doesn't seem impressed by all the derring-do afoot. I suppose when one is a frequent participant in craving hearts out of captives' chests, Senor Hot-Blooded and his friends just aren't that interesting.
Also, on the front cover, she's looking directly out at the viewer and its FREAKING ME OUT!
Those are some of the Fifty-iest looking hairstyles for the 1500's. (Is Fifty-iest a word? No, not officially, but you've got to start somewhere.)
As for the back, the Princess looks more annoyed that suddenly the words "Printed In The United States" appeared between her and the action.
While some would say the New York Times is intensely interesting, I wouldn't go accusing the Columbia Record of being tragic and cruel.
I actually laughed out loud at the Page 123. Next time one of my not-so-smart friends says something remotely rational, I'm going to say that.
"By God, Suarez, rejoice! Your wit has at last produced an idea!"
I'm sure there are red-headed Spaniards, but this guy really does seem more like a Johnny O'Moncada to me.
Truly, Mayan engineering was something to behold. That princess is nothing if not lifted and separated.
Back cover, I think she's thinking "Awkward!" Either that, or the demon rum that caused her to put on that hideous headgear is *really* starting to kick in...
Pagan Tits: As You Have Never Seen Them Before!
Truly, Juan de Moncada is the most Teutonic indigino ever to have taken on a platoon of conquistidores.
On the front cover, that's not a lady he's protecting, that's a mannequin of his beloved princess. You can tell by the vacant expression, unrealistic bust/torso dimensions and the position of the fingers on the plastic arm. Trust me, that's a life size model of a Barby I used to have. He's just trying to fool the conquistadors while his beloved gets away.
On the back cover, the expression of the lady seems to suggest:"Um, guys? guys...stop fighting, there's plenty of hot Mayan princess to go around, really." or maybe:"you're making a mess, c'mon I just had the top of this pyramid waxed..."
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