Paperback 1137: Tormented Bride / Myron Kosloff (First Niter 218)

Paperback 1137: First Niter FN 218 (PBO, 1965)

Title: Tormented Bride

Author: Myron Kosloff

Cover artist: [Gene Bilbrew]

Condition: 9/10

Value: $100

[Newest addition to the Doug Peterson Collection]

Best things about this cover: 

• OK, we got us a good one here.
• I adore the middle-aged middle school teacher whose spectacles are about to pop off her face. She's so excited about this tight-skirted, belted-coated spectacle of a woman that she's grabbing Betty's arm to make sure she sees. Betty has definitely seen.
• Are the ladies at the bar? Behind the bar? The stools are on this side, but they're on the other side. And the bartender appears to be on the same side they are. At least I think dough-faced hyena man is the bartender. He's got epaulets, which says "uniform," which says "maybe he works here." Anyway, the layout of this bar is all kinds of off.
• Actually, the closer you look, the more things are bizarrely, creepily off. What is our strutting lady doing with her left foot. It's landing at a right angle to her direction, which basically ensures that ankle breakage awaits her in the near future. And those heels. Jeeeeezus. No human could walk in those. She's fully on tip toe and the heel is still on the floor.
• Then there's the inexplicable side of the booth (?!), which creates a huge arced swath of white on this cover—a shit-ton of negative space that adds nothing to the composition and bears no resemblance to anything you'd find in reality. Speaking of "you'd never find it in reality," that blue-faced dude in the bottom-left. That's a lot of face for a seemingly marginal dude. Definitely creeps up the joint even further.
• I think the strutting lady and the bartender have just come from the first and possibly last ever meeting of the "World's Smallest Necktie" club. He's laughing because his necktie was narrower by 3mm. Better luck next time, Tormented Bride!

Best things about this back cover: 

• Oh great, as if things weren't disturbing enough, we're just leading with RAPE
• Thank you, Lord, for granting unto us the phrase "whirlpool of perversia." Your magnanimity is truly overwhelming.
• "Excuse me, can you tell me which way to perversia? ... Just turn left at the light? Great. And do you know if they have a whirlpool there? ... Yes? Excellent." 
• Tracy Gilbert, leather-clad dominatrix. Leather! Lesbians! BDSM! Minuscule neckwear! Is there any kink this book doesn't have?? 
• Why would you try to "escape" the "bonds of lesbianism" with "boyish Olive Thurston"? Who gave you that advice?
• And it all ends in "pie" because of course it does.
• "Twilight World!" My favorite queer codeword is back with a leather-clad vengeance!

Page 123~

    "I—do you want me to do something?"

    He caught his breath. "Like what?"

    She hesitated. Then: "You know. Relieve you."

!?

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on BlueSky and Letterboxd]

Paperback 685: Swapping Society / Jack Woods (Corsair Books 216)

Paperback 685: Corsair Books 216 (PBO, 1968)

Title: Swapping Society
Author: Jack Woods
Cover artist: Uncredited. Feels like somebody famous, but I can't remember his name... [possibly Bill Ward or Gene Bilbrew or Eric Stanton]

Yours for: Not for Sale [part of the Doug Peterson Collection]


Best things about this cover:

• Glenda will not have her magnificent buttcheeks upstaged by some young hippie's perky rack. Back to the dorms with you and your left boob, Missy.
• How is this vampire different from all other vampires? Well, Missy, she's about to show you.
• Not sure how this cover can be so sexed-up and yet feel so dull. It's like people dressed for an orgy but decided to reenact a routine medical exam instead.
• Behold this imprint! I'd never even heard of Corsair until Doug handed me this book last weekend. Skull & crossbones = righteous.

Best things about this back cover:

• A lesbian dominatrix who's into BDSM? That's what's called hitting the alt.sex jackpot, paperbackwise.
• Ha ha, "You." Gotta love second-person cover copy. It's like a Choose Your Own Adventure (which ... would be ... the greatest thing ever ...).
• "Plunge Into the Aberrant Happenings" should be some state's motto. Nebraska? I'm looking at you...
• And the winner of all typos is .... [drum roll] ... UNCERTAINTLY! Pick up your check at the door, buddy. You earned it!

Page 123~

"They let's go, darling," Linda whispered, smearing her wet lips over his cheek. "I need a real man to take care of me—as hot as I am right now. And I'm sure you can do the job with flying colors."

Sorry, Linda, you lost me at "smearing."

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker at Twitter and Tumblr]

Paperback 514: Restless Women / John Falcone (Wizard 408)

Paperback 514: Wizard 408 (PBO, 1967)

Title: Restless Women
Author: John Falcone
Cover artist: Uncredited [awfully Gene Bilbrew-esque]

Yours for: Not for Sale (Gift to the Collection from Doug Peterson)


Best things about this cover:

• What is it with the seriously ugly dudes on these covers lately. Looks like someone put a rubber mask on that guy and then punched him in the face til he died.
• He's dead, lady. He doesn't care about your stupid seashell fan.
• So they've brought a mattress and a ... turkey? game hen? ... to the beach?
• Top woman's body is insane. Looks more like braided challah than human flesh.
• Looks like half of your "four-woman harem" has gone missing already, buddy. You kind of suck at this. Maybe you should wake up. Oh, right, you're dead.

Best things about this back cover:

• Magenta woman stands under giant magenta feather / waterfall. No one knows why.
• If you never thought there was such a thing as "appositive abuse," check out that third paragraph.
• "Nocturnal nude swim" = when technical writers are hired to write porn.

Page 123~

But as Lola went on, he made a conscious effort to shut it out of his mind. This kind of drivel could spoil a man's breakfast. He motioned to the waiter for more coffee. Lola kept droning on. If she was an actress, he was a giraffe.

If the front cover illustration is anything to go on, I'm buying "giraffe" before I'm buying "Movie hero" who juggles "four demanding sex machines at once." I mean, have you tried juggling sex machines?! Very slippery.

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]

Paperback 369: Just For Kicks / Donna Powell (Satan Press 111)

Paperback 369: Satan Press 111 (PBO, 1965)

Title: Just For Kicks
Author: Donna Powell
Cover artist: [Gene Bilbrew]

Yours for: $50


Best things about this cover:

• His eyes! His teeth! His lopsided ribcage!! His ankle!!! Dear lord make it stop!
• Those women are fantastically grotesque. A disquieting combo of hot & weird & malproportioned
• I can't tell if they are flirting with him or about to kill him. Veronica seems only seconds from bringing that drink smashing down on the mummy's head...

Best things about this back cover:

• A drug-fueled, sex-soaked road trip to Mexico sounds fun. The "indignities and perversions they are subjected to" while "prisoners" ... that could go either way.
• "Ironic"—HA ha. Yes, when I looked at the front cover, my first thought was, "O. Henry!"
• The condition of this book is &*^%ing unreal.
  

Page 123~ (pleasebeawesomepleasebeawesomepleasebeawesome)

"This place gives me the willies," she glanced toward the stage where the Shetland was still lunging away at the diminutive red-head. And she still looked bored.

Uh ... oh. Oh my. That's ... something. Yet somehow the comma splice in first sentence is bothering me at least as much as the horse-on-girl action.

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter]