Paperback 965: Ruby MacLaine / John Roeburt (Hillman 151)

Paperback 965: Hillman Books 151 (PBO, 1960)

Title: Ruby MacLaine
Author: John Roeburt
Cover artist: Uncredited

Estimated value: $6-9
Condition: 3/10

Best things about this cover:

• So ... that is a plausibly human head, torso, and backside. After that, the wheels come off. She would have to have 10-ft-long legs for that foot size to be right. Also, no one can stand like that and not put at least *some* pressure on the bedclothes. But mostly, the problem is perspective. The bed looks like it's for a child, and the lamp and bedstand are comically small. Trump-hand tiny. Dollhouse tiny.
• Still, credit where credit is due: the backside makes it highly unlikely anyone's fretting too much about the mini-furniture.
• "FEEL MY MORBID POWER!" exclaimed a drunk and exultant John Roeburt as he stumbled along Broadway, a rumpled New York Times in his hand.

Best things about this back cover:

• See. Back cover designer knew what to do with that front cover: CROP.
• "Backstreet"? Take that, N*SYNC!
• "There'll be compensations" is an utterly implausible bit of dialogue. Also, I was proposing ... asking ..." makes no sense. You were proposing or you were asking, but you were not proposing asking. Although maybe a guy who ruffles a girl's hair as a come-on has bigger problems than grammar.

Page 123~

"I want to be admired for my mind," Ruby said winkingly.
Coulter looked critically at her. "That was on the square," he said slowly.
She looked levelly at him. "I want resources other than just my sex."

Later, Coulter says, "I get the dig." That makes one of us, Coulter.

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]

P.S. the first line on the first (teaser) page of this novel is: "They made their agreement in a motel." I probably would've bought this book on the strength of that premise alone.

Paperback 606: Street of Brass / Fielden Farrington (Hillman Books 203)

Paperback 606: Hillman Books 203 (PBO, 1961)

Title: Street of Brass
Author: Fielden Farrington
Cover artist: Uncredited

Yours for: $12


Best things about this cover:

• False modesty hand!
• "Oh doctor, can you take a look at this? I've been having problems with my axilla ..."
• Sweet font.
• "Fielden Farrington" is fake. For sure. Seems to have written at least two other novels, both of which were used as the basis for TV movies of the week in the early '70s. But I still say "pen name."

Best things about this back cover:

• Simplicity of the diagram is kind of great.
• This was written either by someone with poetic aspirations or by someone who learned English late in life. I am strangely mesmerized by the strangeness of the diction.
• I want to sit at a bar and shout "this liquor does not ease me!" and then the bartender will say "what? It doesn't please you?" and then I'll stare her dead in the eye and say "our pointless intimacies are *over*!" and then I'll chuck the highball glass at the mirror behind the bar. Then  run.

Pag 123~

"Yes." He couldn't remember in any detail what he had already said. "She rang the bell, and she was drunk as a goat. She screamed at me when I told her she couldn't come in. I mean literally screamed, like a banshee. I had to let her in to shut her up.

Lila nodded.

Unsurprisingly, Lila is not quite buying it.

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]

Paperback 444: Sex Without Guilt / Albert Ellis, Ph.D. (Hillman Books 106)

Paperback 444: Hillman Books 106 (1st ptg (?), 1959)

Title: Sex Without Guilt
Author: Albert Ellis, Ph.D.
Cover artist: photo

Yours for: $9


Best things about this cover:

• I don't know ... she looks pretty guilty.
• I'm not sure Kinsey was going for "Daring"—he was a scientist, not a soft-porn novelist
• So Dr. Ellis is just mining his patients' sexual problems for our titillation? This is a great example of how Kinsey provided publishers with a new avenue into the sale of sex—"don't worry: it's science! The boner you're experiencing in reading about it is totally normal."

Best things about this back cover:

• "Frankness!"
• Oooh, she shows a little more back back here.
• "Case histories" = Penthouse letters
• Something about the phrase "preparing youngsters for sexual happiness" doesn't quite sound right.
• "Sex Fascism!" You mean my need to be dominated by a woman dressed as Mussolini is normal!? Freedom!

Page 123~

Two months after she first came for therapy, she was not only having intense climaxes most of the time she had intercourse, but was also having three or four terrific climaxes a night—while her husband, quite amazed, could not keep up with her, and had to resort to extracoital methods of satisfying her on most occasions.

I'm all for "extracoital methods," though I highly suggest you never ever call them that, especially in the heat of the moment. "OK, honey, which extracoital method would you like to use tonight? ... honey? ... honey, where are you going?"

~RP

57 Books from the University Book Sale: Books 18-20

Biography Edition — three lovely ladies to spice up your Thanksgiving

Yours for: you tell me!

Title: Red Carpet for Mamie Eisenhower (Popular Library G164, 1956)
Author: Alden Hatch
Cover artist: photo!

• Note to Mamie — hire a portrait painter next time. You are lovely, but this photo makes you look like a girl nervously awaiting her prom date
• Love the Marilyn Monroe / stripper gloves. The bangs ... not so much

• I'm hoping "folksy" means something different than it does today (where it's code for "white and backwards")

Title: The Elizabeth Taylor Story (Hillman MF-1, 1961)
Author: Alan Levy
Cover artist: photo!

• Superior book design compared to the other two bios today. Love the font and alternating colors on the title, and the 90-degree tilt to the author's name. Plus, the photo's hot
• This book is numbered "MF-1," which would be a badass name for a private plane

• Yowza!
• I must tell you that Alan Levy is the "author of Operation Elvis" (acc. to the title page)

Title: There Goes What's Her Name: The Continuing Saga of Virginia Graham (Avon V2153, 1966)
Author: Virginia Graham
Cover artist: photo!

• "There goes what's her name ... you know, the one who looks like a drag queen with a tidal wave of shellacked hair..."
• I love the false modesty of the title. "Aw shucks, I'm a nobody but OMG HERE COMES MY NAME IN BIG YELLOW LETTERS!"

Page 123~ (from "... What's Her Name")

It is almost as unheard of to be sentimental in today's world as it is for a teen-ager to stand when an adult walks into the room.

Almost as uncommon as the hyphenated spelling of "teen-ager."

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter]

Paperback 232: The Bitter Passion / John W. Wadleigh (Hillman Books 153)

Paperback 232: Hillman Books 153 (PBO, 1960)

Title: The Bitter Passion
Author: John W. Wadleigh
Cover artist: uncredited

Yours for: $12


Best things about this cover:

• "Do you like my left shoulder? Do you? You're not even looking at it? Look at it!"
• John W. Wadleigh won the award for Most Unintentionally Pornographic-Sounding Author Name of 1960
• "A native man" - no, don't tell me, "native" is plenty of information ...
• Did the NY Times really say that a book called "The Bitter Passion" was a "net of passions?" That's just sad.

Best things about this back cover:

• You too, Los Angeles Mirror-News? We get it. "Passions." What else you got?
  
• "There had been several men" - nice euphemism! Way to use the passive voice to skirt the issue of your promiscuity, honey.
• "A novel of two lonely women" - whoa ... another woman? What happened to the "native man?" And how "lonely" are the women? Your answer will go a long way to determining whether I crack this book or not.

Page 123~

-In time, in time, I said. Be patient or you'll ruin yourself. Later you will remember. My words will come back to you, years from now, and you will understand, so trust me, yes?

-Yes, he said.

Without understanding any of it.

Silly non-English-speaking native. You'll never understand the eloquence and wisdom of ... whoever this chick is.

~RP

P.S. Thanks to Brian Cassidy for a very nice write-up of both "Pop Sensation" and "Rex Parker Does the NYT Crossword" in his "Fine Books & Collections" blog.

Paperback 25: Hillman 6

Paperback 25: Hillman 6 (1st ptg, 1948)

Title: Riders of Buck River
Author: William MacLeod Raine
Cover artist: Uncredited

Best things about this cover:

It's a pretty generic western cover, except...

I love the bullet whizzing through the brim of his hat. If I had to judge by this picture alone, I would say that this man is a dead man. He appears not to know all the rules of a gunfight.

First rule of a gunfight: wear your matches on your head - check!

Second rule of a gunfight: find cover - this man has absolutely no protection. He appears not even to know that for protection, the fence needs to be between you and your would-be assailant.

Third rule of a gunfight: hold your gun properly - first of all, I have no idea what kind of stance he's in, or what he thinks he's doing with his left arm. Second, my theory is that he's not actually squinting with his right eye in order to aim; I think he lost his right eye the last time he tried to fire a gun while holding it six inches from his face.

Fourth rule of a gunfight: make sure your gun is of the bullet-shooting and not the orange popsicle-shooting variety.


The back cover is not really interesting except for its obsession with hyphenated words. If we were to judge the book just by these words, then we'd have to conclude that it's a book about rip-roaring, fast-moving, hard-bitten, small-time cow-punchers and old-timers.

Check out the final sentence:

"The story of the settlement of the difficulties is thrilling told." [sic!]

Note, if you are writing an allegedly action-packed story, you might want to avoid the "Noun-prepositional phrase-prepositional phrase-linking verb" construction. Not too ... thrilling. Also might want to familiarize yourself with the concept of the adverb.

RP

Paperback 24: Hillman 1

Paperback 24: Hillman 1 (1st ptg, 1948)

Title: Let's Make Mary
Author: Jack Hanley
Cover Artist: N/A
"Interpretative Illustrations by...": Charles L. McCann

Yours for: $15


"Let's Make Sex As Dull As Possible!"

You wanted it, you got it: Let's Make Mary! This book is so mind-blowing, so implausible, that I'm going to have to go beyond the cover to the book's interior illustrations! I fear there is no way to convey the hilariously bizarre and surreal vibe of this book, but I will try...

Best things about this cover:

• "Being a Gentleman's Guide..." - What kind of 18th-century syntax is that?
• "Scientific" - The Kinsey Report had a Massive influence on public discourse about sex, starting in the late 40s, and this book's packaging is definitely a result of that influence. Basically, Kinsey gave scientific legitimacy to public discussions of sex, and paperback publishers exploited Kinsey's success by dressing up their silly sex books (especially novels) as public service / educational publications. This book knows that it's ridiculous (it's clearly intended as humor). Others (which we'll see later) don't seem as aware that their claims of scientific legitimacy are far-fetched and absurd.
• Love the TV screen design. I would watch a TV show with that title, especially if it were some Cinemax After Hours remake of "The Mary Tyler Moore Show."

Best things about this back cover:

I can't even touch this. Nothing I say could out-funny the book itself. Instead, I'll just compile a "Best Words and Phrases on This Back Cover":

1. layman
2. chortle
3. Jim Dandy Special mustache (that's a band name if I ever heard one)
4. Fuddle-Duddle
5. M'Little
6. consort
7. primal urges

And now, a special peek at a few of the "Interpretative Illustrations":


Why in the World wasn't this image on the cover!? Grrrrr...

"Oog" I buy, but "Ssskck?" Worst Cavewoman Name Ever.

Oog is the most disturbingly drawn male figure I've seen in a while. I'm just glad I can't see his face.
"Disturbing" doesn't even begin to describe this. I find myself wondering how the drink got spilled. Then I find myself not wanting to know.
"What's Wrong," you ask? Well let's start with the fact that your lady friend has No Nipples. Then there's the fact that she is a noseless space alien. Then there's your @#$#-ing top hat, you jackass. Your facial expression isn't helping matters either. Is that enough?

RP

PS sincere thanks to Bill Kristol and the folks at powerlineblog.com for plugging my site yesterday. Never thought my first major link would come from a political blog, but I'll take support wherever I can find it.

Paperback 23: Hillman 18

Paperback 23: Hillman 18 (1st ptg, 1949)

Title: Collusion
Author: Theodore D. Irwin
Cover artist: N/A

Yours for: $12

Best things about this cover:

• Jazz hands!
• "What a scoop!" - that giant flashbulb is hilarious
• That headboard! Where do you get something like that? Versailles? Goes great with the cheap red veloure bedspread and motel-grade bedside table and lamp.
• Her hair! (so tightly coiffed)
• Her eyebrows! (so highly arched / obviously penciled)
• What's the story here? "Woman Found in Bed ... Alone!"

Best things about this back cover:

• "... but divorces are made on earth?" Not where I thought you were going.
• "Night years," cute
• "A sincere plea for more liberal divorce laws" - 'cause nothing says "sincere plea" like a lingerie-laden paperback
• Check out the other authors in the Hillman stable: lots of nobodies with three names ... and Balzac.

RP