Paperback 870: Saigon / Nick Carter (Award Books A122F)

Paperback 870: Award Books A122F (PBO, 1964)

Title: Saigon
Author: Nick Carter [Michael Avallone & Valerie Moolman]
Cover artist: Uncredited

Estimated value: $7

Best things about this cover:

• Nothing says "Saigon" like a white lady in lacy lingerie on a candy-striped couch. I always say.
• Nick Carter is the Ellery Queen of spy "chillers." Is he the author? The character? Both? Neither? The Smug Floating Head of Nick Carter says "Don't overthink it, baby. Just chill on my couch and I'll bring you a drink. [looks at her hand] OK, five drinks."

Best things about this back cover:

• Spy vs. Spy > this.
• If you're a big fan of torture / rape, then … "Saigon," I guess. Jeez.
• Nick Carter went on to make millions in the exercise equipment market, though sales didn't really take off until he changed "Killmaster" to "Thighmaster."

Page 123~

The blade flicked from the narrow haft without a whisper. Nick crouched. Sighted. And threw. The head turned slightly. Beautiful!

Nick Carter: Eroticizing Ice-Pick Death Scenes Since 1964

~RP

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Paperback 792: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly / Joe Millard (Award Western AQ1495)

Paperback 792: Award Western AQ1495 (4th ptg, 1975)

Title: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
Author: Joe Millard
Cover artist: Uncredited

Yours for: $9


Best things about this cover:

• Man, my brain really, Really wants the Oxford comma there.
• This cover manages to be plain vanilla and superbadass simultaneously.
• There should be a word for this style of cover art (prevalent in '60s and '70s) where different elements are montaged into one monstrous blob / human pyramid.
• Facial expressions here are all fantastic, especially on about-to-be-hanged guy.

Best things about this back cover:

• Aha, Tuco! So *that's* where "Breaking Bad" got it. Plagiarism!!
• Oh, Tuco. Why don't you come to your senses? You been out riding fences for so long now.
• This description is making me want to pull this movie out and watch it right now. My morning *is* kind of wide open …

Page 123~

Tuco lifted his own gun out of the concealing suds and shot him precisely through the adam's apple.

"When you're going to shoot somebody," he said coldly to the twitching figure on the floor, "shoot him. Don't stand around trying to talk a man to death."

Oh yeah, I'm definitely watching this Right Now.

~RP

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Paperback 646: People vs. Withers & Malone / Stuart Palmer & Craig Rice (Award Books A146F)

Paperback 646: Award Books A146F (1st ptg, 1965)

Title: People vs. Withers & Malone
Author: Craig Rice & Stuart Palmer
Cover artist: Uncredited / Clip art?

Yours for: $5


Best things about this cover:

• Craig Rice and Stuart Palmer document their early experiments with sexual role-playing games. "Wait, I forget, am I 'Withers' or 'Malone' in this scenario?" Speaking of role-playing, "Craig Rice" is male-sounding pseudonym for female author Georgiana Ann Craig. I own a nice copy of a book she ghost-wrote for actor George Sanders. (Here's a nice write-up about Rice at "Pulp Serenade")
• Or maybe the parrot is 'Withers' and the cougar is 'Malone', in which case I am hoping for a break-out and then serious carnage. Malone can do the killing, while Withers provides narration. "[Squawk!], he's got your eyeball! Got your eyeball! [Squawk!]"
• I hope the artist got paid the $0.75 he was owed for this "painting."
• I keep looking at this book and seeing "An Insane Rectum Mystery."

Best things about this back cover:

• God, paperback book design just went to $^#%ing hell in the mid-'60s. Not in all instances, but in many. See virtually every Travis McGee novel. So much potential, so much ugh.
• I love that Artzybasheff is someone's name. Some *artist's* name.
• I love that "Ellery Queen" (itself a pseudonym) refers to the mid-'60s as "these unfunny days." I can only guess what he means, but I love an author who believes his own time has gone to hell. Also, from a crime novel / crime movie perspective, the mid-60s were (with some very notable exceptions [cough] Parker [cough]) pretty dire.

Page 123~

"Blue sea!" cried Malone. "I told her her eyes were as blue as the sea! That was Luke Swenson's sister, Little Helga, a queen-size Viking goddess! I am in love with her, practically!"

"Practically!" So few people exclaim their hedge words! Nice.

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]

Paperback 585: A Dram of Evil / D.J. Olson (Award Books A285X)

Paperback 585: Award Books A285X (PBO, 1967)

Title: A Dram of Evil
Author: D.J. Olson
Cover artist: allworkandnoplaymakesJackadullboy

Yours for: $10


Best things about this cover:

• If I'd had any hand in decorating that room, I'd've hanged myself too. "Living nightmare," indeed.
• Grandma got run over by a reindeer ... and then she lay down on this bed and bled out.
• This cover is making me nostalgic for "Harold & Maude."
• I want to live in a world where more things are done "in the BABY JANE manner." 

Best things about this back cover:

• Ugh. Text. Come on. Enough with the wordy-words.
• Wait ... if the girl had been dead ... Jack Wardlaw would *still* have been a murderer. What am I missing?
• I want to live in a world where more things are "personified by Boyd Hanover."
• Oooh, a *black* web of evil. Nice. I was expecting mauve.

Page 123~

The room was dark and humid and I caught myself actually sniffing the air like an animal, as if wary of his scent.

"Actually" is the definition of unnecessary in this sentence. I'm sure you'd like some fantastically withering comment here, after my month+-long hiatus, but all I've got is my inner editor going "oh, hell no. Cut!"

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]

Paperback 376: Dracutwig / Mallory T. Knight (Award Books A488S)

Paperback 376: Award A488S (PBO, 1969)

Title: Dracutwig
Author: Mallory T. Knight
Cover artist: photo???

Yours for: [NO LONGER AVAILABLE]


Best things about this cover:

• I don't know. I might have gone with "Twigula."
• Mallory T. Knight! I really hope King Arthur is somehow also involved in this story (even though it's already pretty crowded in there)
• Cover says "luscious little sexpot," photo ... doesn't.

Best things about this back cover:

• That is possibly the greatest (in the sense of "most absurd") opening back cover sentence ever.
• "Mod scene"—this book could only have come into being during something like a 3-hour period in the late '60s. Great cultural snapshot. Never cared for the Twiggy look, but I'd like to thank Twiggy nonetheless for spawning whatever this is.

Page 123~

Karl's superb artistry in the field of theatrical makeup enabled him to assume any number of appearances, and what with his specialized talents, in one guise or another he managed to keep himself in constant demand by the rich kookie cultists of the area.

Mmm, kookie cultists. That's me. I'm baking at least two kinds of kookies this afternoon.

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter]

Interlude — 2 books I "borrowed" from the BPOE in St. Maries, ID

Come on, how was I *not* supposed to take these?:


Best things about this cover:

• So ... it's about a vengeful virgin? Why not just call it that?
• I'm not sure I'm convinced that Mr. FancyShirt QuaintPinky could make a door explode like that. Seriously, look at his "grip" on that gun. It's like he's drinking tea or something.

Best things about this back cover:

• "Reifel" — from the Dept. of Unimaginative Naming

Best things about this cover:

• When grilling Nick Carter, make sure his massive barrel chest is well basted.
• "Just a second Nick, I'm almost at the next level of 'Missile Command'..."
• That Nick Carter head/logo is the smuggest, douchebaggiest look achievable by a human face.

Best things about this back cover:

• WHEN was it acceptable to break "assassination" between the first and second Ss???

Page 123~

from "Assassination Brigade":

He fired, and the bullet chipped off a piece of pavement about an inch away from me. By then, I had Wilhelmina in my own hand. The man only had the opportunity to snap off one more shot before I had steadied the barrel of my Luger and put a bullet in his belly.

In case you missed that — he named his Luger "Wilhelmina." God save me from ever finding out what that particular relationship is like.

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter]

Paperback 170: A Korean Tiger / Nick Carter (Award Books A248X)

Paperback 170: Award Books A248X (PBO, 1967)

• Title: A Korean Tiger
• Author: Nick Carter (who is also the main character...? and who is also, btw, a Backstreet Boy)
• Cover artist: Some McGinnis imitator

Yours for: $17


Best things about this cover:

• Bring me the floating head of Nick Carter! Oh, nevermind. It's right there.
• The disembodied head of Nick Carter thinks you're a swell-looking doll. {wink!}
• If the book is trying to suggest to me that that lady is "Korean," I challenge. She looks like Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, only with somewhat smaller boobs and no shirt.
• I like how she is taking a sidelong glance at the title, as if thinking "WTF?"
• How is it possible that no rapper has picked up the name "Killmaster?" That would be my handle for sure. That, or "Optimum Slim" (a name I derived from the cereal I eat every morning)
• Fake Korean Post-op Elvira Impersonator needs a refill, dammit!

Best things about this back cover.

• Text! Who doesn't like ... that?
• Oh my god, I am in love with this book - any book that features the word "slatternly" is hottt with three t's.
• I hope the "dark underbelly of Asia" is just some really hairy Laotian guy.
• Paragraph indentations are for suckas!

Page 123~

The wide green stare did not waver. Behind those basilisk eyes he thought he could detect a hint of something warmer. Desire? Plain old-fashioned lust? Was this creature really so human?

Oh please dear god don't let him be talking about the "Korean" woman. "Though she was Korean, she seemed oddly human."

~RP

P.S. this book is immaculate. As crisp and new and bright as the day it first hit the shelves. Maybe there's a tiny amount of scuffing, but it's quite negligible. Paperbacks rarely hold up this well.