Paperbacks 1172 and 1173: The Big Broad Jump and The Cockeyed Cuties / Troy Conway (Paperback Library 63-240 & 64-834)

Paperback 1172 & 1173: Paperback Library 63-240 / 64-834 (PBO/PBO, 1969/1972)

Title: The Big Broad Jump (Coxeman #17) / The Cockeyed Cuties (Coxeman #31)

Author: Troy Conway (alias of Don Segall, writer for many TV shows, including The Love Boat (!), and father of actress Pamela Adlon (!!))

Cover artist: photos 

Condition: 7/8

Value: $15 / $20

[dug out of the back of a little bookshop in Encinitas, CA]

Best things about this cover: 

• Coxeman. It's a pun. You'll be saying "it's a pun" a lot if you read these books, trust me.
• The Big Broad Jump. It's a pun. Although I don't know if it's a big deal that he jumps on broads or if he just jumps on big broads. Maybe I'll read and find out. Maybe not.
• Here we see the Coxeman demonstrating the one skill at which he is unrivaled: removing earwax from a lady's ear with his tongue. Sadly, he is somewhat less skilled at Couples Hammocking.

Best things about this back cover: 

• "Is the Coxeman Hung?" I mean, probably. That is, definitely (I have read a little—he "suffers" from "priapism," a "fact" he tells you right away, and often)
• "A mob of sex-crazed foreign beauties"—it's never the sex-crazed foreign uglies, is it?
• "Rod penetrates deep." It's a pun. (I told you)

Best things about this cover: 

• I read only prime-numbered Coxemen. Everyone has their eccentricities and this is mine.
• Here we see the Coxeman practicing "hugging." Someday he hopes to be able to hug in a very humanlike way. Keep at it, Rod! I believe in you!
• "OK, Mr. Damon, so, the first thing you're gonna want to do when hugging a woman is put down the gun." "I don't understand"
• I love how he's looking right at us, like "... pretty French, right? I mean, you'd buy that I'm a frog, right? What? Oh her? [shrugs] I have no idea, women just do this."
• "Rod Damon ... takes a leaf from the Kamasutra—and finds it won't cover his problem." It's a p- ... well, you get the idea.

Best things about this back cover: 

• Rod Damon—captain of the Cornell marksmanship team!
• "Big Rod" IT'S A PUN
• "Kamasutra Country"—how is this not already the title of a horrible reality show?
• "Or he'll never be able to straighten up again"—weirdly, this is not a pun; he has chronic back pain (one of the hazards of being ... The Coxeman!)

Page 123~

Through the years, these novels appear to get more, uh ... well, here, you be the judge. This is 1969 (The Big Broad Jump): 

The sun warmed our bodies and we began our love games. Slowly, gently and with great tenderness, untile the savage beast claimed us both and we became a whirlwind of rotating rumps and churning thighs. I laid her good.

And this is 1972 (The Cockeyed Cuties):

I inserted my finger into her vagina, exploringly at first and then pistoning it. She moaned softly and began squeezing with her sphincter muscles.

The anatomical specificity of 1972 kinda makes you miss the clumsy vagueness of 1969. Although "I laid her good" and "pistoning it" ... that's kind of an "ew!" toss-up.

~RP

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Paperback 1032: Behind the Flying Saucer Mystery / George Adamski (Paperback Library 53-439)

Paperback 1032: Paperback Library 53-439 (1st ptg, 1967)

Title: Behind the Flying Saucer Mystery
Author: George Adamski
Cover artist: what is this cover, anyway?

Condition: 8/10
Estimated value: $8-12

Best things about this cover:

• What am I even looking at?
• Feathers?
• Wood shavings?
• Arrow heads?
• How 'bout you "rip the curtain of secrecy" from whatever this picture is?
• And the little white streaks? Is this supposed to be a Rorschach-type dealie where I basically ascribe meaning based on my paranoid imagination? What if I'm just bored?

Best things about this back cover:

• The QAn*n folks have nothing on this guy
• "Since that fateful day in 1952 when he first lost his fucking mind, George Adamski became a known lunatic who somehow got a book contract"
• "Men" LOL
• The Brothers!
• The Silence Group, Can I Join Please Shhhhhhhhh.... No Talking Ever
• "Revolutionary" and "new" are both angry at being dragged into the whole "twelve-planet solar system" conversation
• Jeez louise, this isn't his first UFO conspiracy theory book!?

Page 123~

... for he [Patrick Moore] had been one of the British astronomers, along with Dr. H. Percy Wilkins, who had confirmed the existence of the Mare Crisium bridge on the moon. He must have known for certain that someone had been using the moon as a base of operations, and the only logical ones were people from other planets.

Yes, that does sound like logic. Also, the idea of the Mare Crisium as the site of a lunar colony appears in Robert Heinlein's The Moon is a Harsh Mistress, also from 1967, though I am sure that is a total coincidence, because no way George Adamski is getting his totally scientific ideas from fiction, no way, and if you don't believe me then you're probably part of the Silence Group. You Silence Groupies never quit.

~RP

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Paperback 1023: Children of the Void / William Dexter (Paperback Library 52-357)

Paperback 1023: Paperback Library 52-357 (PBO, 1966)

Title: Children of the Void
Author: William Dexter
Cover artist: Uncredited ("The artist is not credited, no visible signature [Jack Gaughan ?]" (isfdb)) 

Condition: 8/10
Estimated value: $10-12
Best things about this cover:

• Used Spaceship Salesmen of the Void
• When the humans you're using for biceps curls suddenly get a mind of their own...
• My favorite word on this cover is "Violently." Like, how else is an Earth going to be "torn from its sun"? "Affectionately"?
• Grafton can't even get to his damned spaceship. How's he gonna halt a runaway world when this animatronic Chuck E. Cheese reject makes him run in terror?
• Not at all sure they didn't mean "Children of the Noid"; the similarities are uncanny:

And now...
Best things about this back cover:

• Wow, superdumb title replication, but super cool sketch of '60s scifi futurism. Spaceships were awesomest when they were entirely fanciful. I don't want to live in a future that isn't a mid-century future.
• That is a particularly dull and detail-free opening paragraph.
• Wow, Denis Grafton (!) is a recurring character? The basis of a series? He's like Chairman of the Board of Space Heroes That Time Totally and Utterly Forgot

Page 123~

But there was always something at the back of the adult mind that whispered to us that we should shun these strange creatures.

O great, a treatise on right-wing immigration policy. No thanks.

~RP

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Paperback 975: The House That Stood Still / A.E. Van Vogt (Paperback Library 63-016)

Paperback 975: Paperback Library 63-016 (2nd ptg, 1968)

Title: The House That Stood Still
Author: A.E. Van Vogt
Cover artist: Uncredited

Estimated value: $8-10
Condition: 9/10

Best things about this cover:

• "Pete... do you see that?" "What?" "That house ... it's not moving. It's just ... sitting there." "Dear God! You're right! Call for backup."
• "DO NOT LOOK BEHIND THE MASK OR YOU WILL SEE THE TERRIFYING VISAGE OF ... Shelley? Shelley from Accounting? What are you doing here?"
• That ziggurat is gonna want to have that growth looked at.

Best things about this back cover:

• "Obliterate the universe from the heavens"? This doesn't sound ... right.
• Immortals are always trashing shit and running away.
• That last sentence needs a huge spoiler alert. Why would I want to read now?

Page 123~

"What's the good of having a forty-year-old heart and a ninety-year-old liver?"

~RP

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Paperback 506: The Man Inside (Milo March Mystery 4) / M.E. Chaber (Paperback Library 63-213)

Paperback 506: Paperback Library 63-213 (1st ptg, 1970)

Title: The Man Inside (Milo March Mystery 4)
Author: M. E. Chaber
Cover artist: Robert McGinnis

Yours for: $5

Best things about this cover:

• Yes, Lee Marvin likes your see-through sarong very much.
• Seriously, this guy is my hero. I want his rough-hewn throne, his shirt, his, let's say, bourbon, and his, let's say, companion.
• The art deco-ish font is ... odd. Not throne-odd, but odd.
• Where Is Her Other Shoe!?

Best things about this back cover:

• Hell Yeah Wenching! 
• I want a sweater made of Chaber yarn.
• "You need not be told ..." HA ha. That wins "Most Unnecessary Blurb."

Page 123~

"Homicide is sending a man. Maybe they've already sent him. I threw around as much weight as I could and I think he'll look you up before he does anything, but don't expect any more than that. I don't think he'll give you any cooperation."

"I never expect any from a cop," I said.

Ooh, a quipster who plays by his own rules. He's the Die Hard of his generation.

~RP

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Paperback 463: Mr. Madam: Confessions of a Male Madam / Kenneth Marlowe (Paperback Library 55-857)

Paperback 463: Paperback Library 55-857 (1st ptg, 1965)

Title: Mr. Madam: Confessions of a Male Madam
Author: Kenneth Marlowe
Cover artist: Uncredited

Yours for: $9

Best things about this cover:

• Oh good, an Adult Autobiography. I always hate it when children try to write autobiography. Grow up first, you self-involved whiners!
• How can a book with this subject matter and this title have a cover this terrible. I mean, consider some other covers (which I just found, while trolling the internet):

[Hairdresser of the stars!? Why is this info not on my paperback!?]

• Kenneth Marlowe was also a female impersonator. More pics:

 

And now the back cover:

Best things about this back cover:

• Ugh. A chalkboard drawing? Is this supposed to be a "twilight man?"
• Not even the word "frank" to appease me. I hate this book (cover). [I just opened the book and the very first phrase on the very first page is "Uncompromisingly frank," so I feel a little better]

Page 123~

"You all try to help 'Frenchy' get dates, girls. Oh, be sure to remember to call him 'Frenchy.' If you get a date with a John, tell him that for five bucks extra you can have Frenchy sent in. Tell the trick, 'Let Frenchy come in and work on me. It makes me go wild!' That'll work the John up. Or, for $10 he'll work both you and the John. Well, I don't have to tell most of you how to manage it. Use your imaginations. Frenchy will, of course, be working all the exhibitions."

To its credit, this book does get pretty dang 'frank' (esp. by 1965 standards). Why it's not called "FRENCHY!"—with accompanying super-campy picture—I just don't understand.

~RP

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