Paperback 978: Pemmican / Vardis Fisher (Cardinal C-253)

Paperback 978: Cardinal C-253 (1st ptg, 1957)

Title: Pemmican
Author: Vardis Fisher
Cover artist: Daniel Schwartz

Estimated value: $7-10
Condition: 7/10

[from the Laura R. Braunstein Collection]

Best things about this cover:

• The only thing scarier than her fright makeup is her linebacker hands. Look at those meat claws, dear god!
• Why would you kneel in the river like that? Serious question.
• Her mouth! We get it, she's "savage," dial it back.
• I do like the way the light shines off her hip.
• Chief Wahoo on Cleveland Indians uniforms. Dakota Access Pipeline. This dehumanizing shit must be exhausting.

Best things about this back cover:

• Ah, the "savage white girl" trope. See Natalie Wood in "The Searchers."
• I wish this were titled "A Virile Young Scotsman, or, The Debauchery"
• Rawboned! The bones of this book have not seen fire! Like sushi, are these bones!

Page 123~

"Coming!" he whispered.

He whispered with an exclamation point? Wow. Graphic.

~RP

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Paperback 936: The Black Rose / Thomas B. Costain (Perma Books M-7501)

Paperback 936: Perma Books M-7501 (1st ptg, 1961)

Title: The Black Rose
Author: Thomas B. Costain
Cover artist: Uncredited

Estimated value: a few bucks

[Part of the Laura R. Braunstein Collection]

Best things about this cover:

• Shirtless Barbers of Medieval England!
• This dude is totally thinking "m'lady."
• "Cut this lock. The one I'm pointing to. With my pointy digits that give my arm the appearance of an angry swan ... yes, that one."

Best things about this back cover:

• Ooh, side by side! That's the hottest kind of lying!
• Engaine, LOL. "Oh, are you having 'Engaine' trouble? Here, I can help you start your motor..."
• "Their love was as wrong as this putrid green color you're looking at right now!"

Page 123~

"And now, John-Put-Upon, will you be good enough to run downstairs and ask your grandfather and my friend to come up?"

Medieval bordellos could get a little freaky.

~RP

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Paperback 935: The Darkness and the Dawn / Thomas B. Costain (Perma Books M5029)

Paperback 935: Perma Book M5029 (1st ptg, 1960)

Title: The Darkness and the Dawn
Author: Thomas B. Costain
Cover artist: Uncredited :(

Estimated value: $4-6

[Part of the Laura R. Braunstein Collection]

Best things about this cover:

• The correct answer is, "No, those Uggs do not make your thighs look fat, Mr. The Hun."
• I love how he has time for a mid-battle photo shoot. "I *am* smiling, you toad! Don't make me unsheath this!"
• If you're gonna dip your foot in the waters of Attila the Hun novels, you're gonna want to go with something from the "superlative" category.
• Thomas B. Costain turned out a bunch of mid-century historicals. His first novel was published at age 57!

Best things about this back cover:

• I don't think this back cover exactly nailed the landing, compass-metaphor-wise.
• I want a t-shirt that reads, simply, "HIGH COMPETENCE."
• I feel like there are a lot of ellipses here, and that there may be more to the Thomas Costain iceberg than this cover is allowing us to see.

Page 123~

Nicolan was taller than most of the other slaves and so was stationed in the rear rank, holding one of the cushions on which reposed a vial of true nard, a most aromatic perfume.

Please let loose the phrase "a vial of true nard" upon the land. Thank you.

~RP

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Paperback 809: Tidewater / Clifford Dowdey (Perma Books P143)

Paperback 809: Perma Books P143 (1st ptg, 1952)

Title: Tidewater
Author: Clifford Dowdey
Cover artist: Uncredited

Yours for: $6


Best things about this cover:

• "She was river scum…" I like a cover that gets right to the point.
• Ha ha, I'm enjoying speculating about her "something."
• Wow, that's a pretty high class of "scum" they got there in Tidewater. She must've got hosed down good. Only thing disgusting about her is her freakish arachnoid hand.

Best things about this back cover:

• "It was something that had to be done"—way to use the passive voice to get your sex on, Libby.
• Protracted deshabillitation scene gets thumbs up from this reviewer.
• Caffey… yeah, I'm not buying that as a guy's name. Caffey is a woman in my mind now. Sorry, nothing I can do, that's just the way it is.

Page 123~

To be with them more, he did his drinking, with Jeff Bunting as a companion, in the Pitch Bottom bars where the small planters went.

The olde-timey gay code of the river folk was pretty elaborate.

~RP

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Paperback 808: The Golden Blade / John Clou (Graphic Giant G209)

Paperback 808: Graphic Giant G209 (1st ptg, 1955)

Title: The Golden Blade
Author: John Clou
Cover artist: Robert Maguire

Yours for: $12

Best things about this cover:

Ron Weasley fantasizes about gutting that lousy scar-faced pretty boy.
Easily the best painting you'll ever see of a shirtless caped redhead admiring his primary phallic symbol. (Secondary phallic symbol safely sheathed on right hip)
I am not a fan of these big dumb historical romance montages, but if you gotta do it, yeah, go with Robert Maguire. Grace and beauty of his painting will soften the overwhelming cheese of the subject matter.
Everything about that woman is improbable. Actually, I would change that to "probable" if you just moved her indoors. There's no way she's that artfully, nakedly posed out there in the dirt of the battlefield.


Best things about this back cover:

• Everybody dance now.
• "Enough with the hip-shaking. Fill my goblet and then polish my sex boots, woman!"
• I like the blue-skirted lady, or, as I call her, The Mead Whisperer.

Page 123~

The day after Cholan's party arrived at the cave. Juji went hunting. He was pleased that Gesikie offered to accompany him, for he wanted an audience to acclaim his skill with the bow.

This page also features Jhotuz, Kisil, and Temujine, in case you're interested.

~RP

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Paperback 794: Buffalo Bill / Shannon Garst (Pocket Book Jr. J-48)

Paperback 794: Pocket Books Jr. J-48 (2nd ptg, 1955)

Title: Buffalo Bill
Author: Shannon Garst
Cover artist (and illus.): Louis Glanzman

Yours for: $9


Best things about this cover:

• Bed hat.
• Three keys to killing Indians: big-ass hands, mustache wax, and fringe for miles.
• This is a pretty bad cover—a portrait-studio picture mapped onto a generic, over-bright backdrop filled with a montage of tiny, generic "action" scenes.

Best things about this back cover:

• Thanks for the buffalo-killing, dick weed.
• William F. Cody met danger early. Then he had lunch, took a nap, and went to Pilates.
• I like Yellow Hand because it sounds like a 19c. name for a nefarious Chinese criminal organization, rather than what it is—a mistranslation of Yellow Hair, a Cheyenne warrior Cody shot and scalped. "Ever the showman, Buffalo Bill returned to the stage […] his show highlighted by a melodramatic reenactment of his duel with Yellow Hair. He displayed the fallen warrior's scalp, feather war bonnet, knife, saddle and other personal effects" (wikipedia). Again, I say, dick-weed.

Page 123~

The redskins knew the country and were as hard to hunt down as the wild animals of the forest.

Everything you need to know about American attitudes toward Native Americans in one short sentence. (cc Dan Snyder)

~RP

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Paperback 793: The Roman Way / Edith Hamilton (Mentor Books MD213)

Paperback 793: Mentor Books MD213 (1st ptg, 1957)

Title: The Roman Way
Author: Edith Hamilton
Cover artist: Uncredited

Yours for: $9


Best things about this cover:

• Not sure why I own this. I mean, it has none of the sexual promise of "The Greek Way."
• Apparently ancient Rome was populated predominantly by very boring zombies who loved statuary.
• Seriously, this looks like a very badly programmed MMOG.

Best things about this back cover:

• The thing I admire most about the ancient world is all their stars were so big they only needed one name, like Cher or Beyoncé.
• What a bewitching, haunting, slightly frightening author photo.
• "… who on her ninetieth birthday was made an honorary citizen of Athens." Sadly, she did not survive the notoriously brutal "jump in" ritual.

Page 123~

Virgil sees no reason why cattle disease is not a subject for a poet.

~RP

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Paperback 747: The Strange Brigade / John Jennings (Cardinal C-137)

Paperback 747: Cardinal C-137 (1st ptg, 1954)

Title: The Strange Brigade
Author: John Jennings
Cover artist: Rudy Nappi

Yours for: $8


Best things about this cover:

• If 'love' wasn't just a word, what else was it??! A deed? Are you talking about sex? You are, aren't you. 
• Speaking of sex, this book is at least in part about trappers, i.e. beaver.
• "Hey … hey baby … hey … I like your ears …" Ugh, I can practically feel his grog breath on my shoulder.
• Steve did not take well to losing the "Who Wore It Best?" competition to Lionel. Even the awkward consolations of a concerned squaw could not alleviate Steve's fist-clenching fury.

Best things about this back cover:

• Mmm, I love bois brûlés. My favorite dessert. Always puts me in the mood for bone-cracking / love-making.
• I do love a woman who acts "quite otherwise." 
• "Sinister half-breed"—I would think that in vintage paperback-speak, that would be redundant.

Page 123~

Here were abundant varieties of smaller game: hares and rabbits, chattering squirrels, the white partridge, and spruce grouse, foxes, beaver, martins, musquash, otter and a dozen others. 

This is a really weird list, not so much for what's on it, but for how it's set up. Why do the squirrels get a behavioral detail? Why is there a "the" with the white partridge? Why do we start a new list with a new "and" just before spruce grouse? Why do you list so many and then say "a dozen others?" Why not keep going? You're half way there, for god's sake. Also, "a dozen"? That's a pretty specific number. Are you sure it wasn't a baker's dozen? 10? This is what happens when you think too much about a random filler sentence in a middling historical novel from 60 years ago.

[Alternative comment: "Musquash Susie / Musquash Sam / Do the jitterbug out in Musquash Land …"]

~RP

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Paperback 712: The Fair and the Bold / Donn O'Hara (Graphic Giant G-222)

Paperback 712: Graphic Giant G-222 (PBO, 1957)

Title: The Fair and the Bold
Author: Donn O'Hara
Cover artist: Barye Phillips

Yours for: $8


Best things about this cover:

• I  buy her as The Fair, but aside from his choice to wear burning ships as footwear, I don't really see him as The Bold. 
• "The Fair and the Dude We Saw at RenFest '12 Last Summer"
• I am 99% certain that dancing lady is a near-perfect reproduction of some Rita Hayworth picture I've seen ... somewhere.

Best things about this back cover:

• Here, the sword takes on its full phallic implications.
• "... his blazing cannon, his murderous sword—and his penis, for which the first two things were pretty obvious metaphors."
• I love how happy she is. It's very sweet, if not terribly sexy.
• I also like guard dude who is going to get to hear it all. 
• You know what's fun to say? "La Cacafuego!"

Page 123~

The movement dislodged the blanket, which slithered off Bakkerzeel's knees to the floor. Fletcher saw that the man had no feet—only blobs of bandage at the ends of his ankles.

Well that took an unexpected and horrific turn. Poor Baker's Eel.

~RP

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Paperback 711: The Velvet Doublet / James Street (Perma Books M-4005)

Paperback 711: Perma Books M-4005 (1st ptg, 1954)

Title: The Velvet Doublet
Author: James Street
Cover artist: Uncredited

Yours for: $9


Best things about this cover:

• "Hey! Can you grab that velvet doublet!? ... There! ... No, there! It's right ... [sigh] Damn, I'm gonna have to jump in..."
• Just what you've been waiting for: an accidental belated Columbus Day tribute!
• I do love a cover with animated hands—they really do add emotional dimension to a painting.

Best things about this back cover:

• My second-favorite word on this cover is "Lepe" and my first-favorite is "wenched"!
• I'll take "MARAELA" for all her potential power as a crossword answer.
• Screw the doublet, kid. You want the doubloon. DOUBLOON! Ask Columbus. He'll know.

Page 123~

Acros beamed the lordliness of his trade as he showed me the tiller and let me feel it and pointed up to a small opening in the quarter-deck and through this I saw a speck of sky and a bit of sail, and nothing more.

The first half of this sentence *really* reads like sea-porn.

~RP

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Paperback 710: The Deluge / Leonardo da Vinci (Lion Books 233)

Paperback 710: Lion Books 233 (1st ptg, 1955)

Title: The Deluge
Author: Leonardo da Vinci
Cover artist: Uncredited

Yours for: $15


Best things about this cover:

• If Leonardo had lived the 1950s and written B-movies: this.
• She's a maniac, MAAANiac ... 
• Steve tried valiantly to rescue all the damsels on Mount Severe Shaving Injury.
• This is exactly how I imagined the 16th century.
• "I get it, Lydia—your boobs are magnificent. Can't we please get off this rock now!?"
• Please check out his left hand. Now good luck purging it from your nightmares.

Best things about this back cover:

• I give this a C- for vagueness.

Page 123~ [This is from L's notebook, and it's quoted in a lengthy editor's note.]

And the surface of the earth having become at last a burnt cinder, all earthly nature shall cease.

Charming.

~RP

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Paperback 599: Wild Drums Beat / F. Van Wyck Mason (Pocket Books 977)

Paperback 599: Pocket Books 977 (1st ptg, 1953)

Title: Wild Drums Beat
Author: F. Van Wyck Mason
Cover artist: Richard Cardiff

Yours for: $7


Best things about this cover:

• "Uh ... he was like this when I found him."
• "Shhh. Be vewy, vewy quiet. We're hunting wabbits..."
• Real men make snow angels "Indian-style."
• Margery made the rather large mistake of trying to ride the Black Horse of Death sidesaddle. 

Best things about this back cover:

• "Renegade trapper" would look great on a business card.
• Random trivia: Googling ["scalp-hungry"] returns 4100+ hits. So ... it's an adjective with a life beyond this cover.
• Remember when men's courage and women's love could solve world problems? And now look at us. Lousy Obama.

Pag 123~

He nodded, mimicked the shadow of his head wrought black and distorted upon the lean-to's roof.

Grammatically, I'm not really sure what to do with this (how do you mimic a shadow that you yourself are creating?), but I do love a good lean-to reference.

~RP

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Paperback 408: Men of Albemarle / Inglis Fletcher (Perma Books P189)

Paperback 408: Perma Books P189 (1st ptg, 1952)

Title: Men of Albemarle
Author: Inglis Fletcher
Cover artist: Uncredited

Yours for: $5


Best things about this cover:

• Hard to riff on lynchings, but ... over an open flame? Really? What is it, a cannibal's barbecue?
• "No, sweetheart! I know you're hungry, but they're not Done yet!"
• His face is the most constipated face I've ever seen on a cover.
• That braid is Epic.

Best things about this back cover:

• "...she said huskily" — that rates a 7 on the Adverb Abuse scale
• "God's death!" There's an exclamation you don't hear much these days. "God's death, your breasts are rising and falling swiftly under your thin shirt!"
• I'm not really into "vigorous" novels. If it's not "frank," it's not for me.

Page 123~

He got up to pour himself another brandy and drank it quickly, not slowly as becomes a man settled in his ways. "God's death," he muttered, "does a man never cleanse himself of violence?

512-page book, and I hit "god's death" on the first swing! Prize please!

There's also this:

He thought of the encounter at the Red Lion and felt a little ashamed.

This will be funny to you only if you know that Red Lion is a chain of hotels.

~RP

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Paperback 381: Lord Johnnie / Leslie Turner White (Pocket Books 7010)

Paperback 381: Pocket Books 7010 (7th ptg, 1961)

Title: Lord Johnnie
Author: Leslie Turner White
Cover artist: Barye Phillips

Yours for: SOLD!! (1-11-11)


Best things about this cover:

• This is a book about a middle-aged woman fed up with her adult son who won't move out of the house and get a job already: "Lord, Johnnie, I am sick and tired finding your hoop earrings all over my damn house."
• Did I say "adult son?" I meant "flamboyantly gay adult son ... who is really into community theater."
• "Live pink or die, bitches!"

Best things about this back cover:

• Look, all the sword-into-noose imagery in the world is not going to make me believe that guy on the front cover likes to fuck women.

Page 123~

Not over fourteen, he had the look of a crazed ewe, and every sound in the prison set his thin body to quaking.

Every once in a while, Page 123 pays off very, very big. Is he quaking in fear or sexual excitement. I guess I just have to imagine how a crazed ewe would react if she were in prison ... yes, that works.

~RP

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Paperback 348: River Queen / Charles N. Heckelmann (Graphic Giant G-221)

Paperback 348: Graphic Giant G-221 (2nd ptg, 1957)

Title: River Queen
Author: Charles N. Heckelmann
Cover artist: Uncredited

Yours for: $6


Best things about this cover:

• That's up there with the most maniacal expressions I've ever seen on these covers
• Either his upper body is way out of proportion to his lower body, or that is one blousey top
• Look at his right pinky—it's like he's holding a cup of tea
• Her boobs are going to come out of that dress in 5, 4, 3 ...
• Fear hand!
• "Rawhide II: Rawhider!"
• "War and Love on the Mighty ... Missouri?" Really? I'm sure it's a fine river, but it feels like carob to the Mississippi's chocolate, i.e. a poor substitute
• "Heckelmann?" Really?

Best things about this back cover:

• That boat explosion looks like it was drawn by a child—a child who has no concept of how things explode. I mean, the boat appears to be utterly intact. The explosion lines are comically straight and debris-free. The explosion *does* appear to have catapulted those two fighting guys high into the air—that's *pretty* realistic.
• "Indian-proof," HA ha. Wonder what SPF that is.
• "Hey, baby, mind if I battle my way up your flaming shores...?"

Here's the title page illustration:


Page 123~

The flag whipped jauntily in the stiff, morning breeze.

That comma is super ridiculous.

~RP

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57 Books from the University Book Sale: Book 24

Title: Down to Eternity (Gold Medal s550, 1956)
Author: Richard O'Connor
Cover artist: I think that's Charles Binger's signature

Yours for: $5

• "Efxcuse me, sfir, you're pholding my head afwittle tight..."
• "Does this life jacket smell clean to you, Mary!? Well does it!? Whoa, is that an iceberg?"
• Next time you really want to annoy a woman, accuse her of riding the "P.M.S. Titanic" (that's what that life jacket says, right?)
• This book was reviewed in the New York Times (found this page trying to hunt down the date of this book, which appears to lack a proper title and publishing info page)

• Easy on the bloated hyperbole, junior.
• Oh, R.M.S. Titanic ... yeah, that makes more sense.

Page 123~

Still clad in his dressing gown, he bustled around the boat deck and undoubtedly made a great nuisance of himself.

~RP

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Paperback 259: Lincoln's Commando / Ralph J Roske and Charles van Doren (Pyramid G356)

Paperback 259: Pyramid G356 (1st ptg, 1958)

Title: Lincoln's Commando
Author: Ralph J. Roske and Charles Van Doren
Cover artist: Herb Mott

Yours for: SOLD (7/19/09)


Best things about this cover:

• The title and picture made me laugh out loud the first time I saw it. That is the only reason I own this book. "Arnold Schwarzenegger is ... Lt. William Cushing in ... Lincoln's Commando!"
• Actually, this guy looks more like ... who's that guy from "Ned and Stacey" and "Sideways?" Thomas Hayden Church?
• The rebels on the Albemarle appear to be shooting in random directions and possibly at each other.
• The water under Cushing's boat appears to be breaking on ... more, differently colored water. Weird.
• Here we see Cushing continuing the time-honored tradition of deck-edge weapon-dancing begun years earlier by the infamous Pirate Wench.

Best things about this back cover:

• Not much. We do get to see the NYT succumbing to a bout of sensational alliteration. That's slightly interesting.
• Apparently Cushing was a daring daredevil with a daredevil career of daredeviltry. He was also fearless. And daring.

Page 123~

He was pleased to discover that his adventures were well known in the town, that the paper reported his arrival on its front page, and that all the little boys hung on his every word when they could get him to describe his exploits — and not only the little boys; everyone seemed appreciative.

"[...] and not only the little boys ... I mean, not that he's particularly into little boys or anything. Really, he was popular with everyone. I swear. Forget what I said about the boys."

~RP

P.S. Thanks for keeping up with my stepped-up summer publication pace. I'm loving the volume and quality of comments. Happy that the blog has a modest but loyal and reliably smart/funny following. Keep it up.

P.P.S. Thanks for the links, the tweets, and any other form of promotion you've provided for this site. Truly, deeply appreciated.

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter]

Paperback 254: Cradle of the Sun / John Clagett (Popular Library 566)

Paperback 254: Popular Library 566 (1st ptg, 1954)

Title: Cradle of the Sun
Author: John Clagett
Cover artist: Robert Stanley

Yours for: $13


Best things about this cover:

• "Sorry, ladies! Filene's Attic is closed!"
• "I just flew in from Cleveland and boy are my arms tired ... get it? ... airplane [mimes airplane] ... yeesh, tough room."
• Rick Astley protects his Mayan mistress from the Spaniards: "Never gonna give her up ..."
• "Excuse me, sir, we mean no offense. It's just ... you have a bit of mole sauce under your right nipple ... just ... here. Might I suggest you try donning a shirt next time you partake of a meal?"

Best things about this back cover:

• No offense, ma'am, but: Worst Hat Ever. I wanna club her head with a stick and see if candy comes out.
• "Taut tale" — aw yeah, tell me more.
• She does not seem impressed with the size of their knives. In fact, I'm not convinced she's really looking at them. "Excuse me guys, I think I see Enrique over there. Oh Enrique!"

Page 123~

"By God, Suarez, rejoice! Your wit has at last produced an idea!"

~RP

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Paperback 188: Witch of Salem / Benjamin Siegel (Gold Medal 307)

Paperback 188: Gold Medal 307 (PBO, 1953)

Title: Witch of Salem

Author: Benjamin Siegel
Cover artist: A. Sewell (not sure where I got this info ... you can see the initials "A.S." in the bottom left corner)

Yours for: $13


Best things about this cover:

• The trees. I mean, Goody Housewife is very hot and all, even in the Dracula cape, but those trees are something else.
• "The exciting story of a woman ... who was concerned that it might be starting to rain."
• I like that the dying of men and women and the fighting of God and Satan are made to sound like coincidental events. "People were dying everywhere you turned. Meanwhile, at God's house ..."

Best things about this back cover:

• "The children began it" is a horribly ominous sentence. Also, a horrible sentence. "It?" Man, don't make me go back into the previous paragraph looking for the referent.
• "Too young for love" was, I believe, a Frankie Valli song from 1962

Page 123~

"Harboring a witch, she was. Two of them. And mayhap she herself is no innocent, though up to now Abigail has made no charge against her."

"Witch of Salem," by Benjamin Siegel. Additional dialogue provided by Yoda.

~RP

Paperback 167: The Private Life of Julius Caesar / William Marston (Universal Giant no. 6)

Paperback 167: Universal Giant no. 6 (1st ptg, 1953)

Title: The Private Life of Julius Caesar
Author: William Marston
Cover artist: George Geygan

Yours for: $25


Best things about this cover:

OK, stop. Hammer time. This book was written by the creator of "Wonder Woman." I Am Not Kidding. And yet none of the booksellers at abebooks mention the connection between this book and "Wonder Woman." You'd think that fact would be one of the main selling points. As I looked at the book, I thought "William Marston" sounded familiar, and then I looked inside and saw the author's middle name (Moulton), which rang even more bells. Then I googled. Holy Krap. From Wikipedia:

Dr. William Moulton Marston (May 9, 1893 – May 2, 1947) was an American psychologist, feminist theorist, inventor, and comic book author who created the character Wonder Woman. Two women, his wife Elizabeth Holloway Marston and Olive Byrne, (who lived with the couple in a polyamorous relationship), served as exemplars for the character and greatly influenced her creation.^[1][2]

He was inducted into the Comic Book Hall of Fame in 2006.

• "Polyamorous" pretty much describes this cover - I count five different sexual permutations on the front cover alone - and wait til you see the back cover (and the spine!)
• I love that a "feminist theorist" inspired this (awesome) cover. I guess she who reclines on the bed with the chalice of viscous mauve goo makes the rules. "OK, you kneel! Now you, you kneel more! Kneel wheel!"
• I love how the whipping scene is strategically placed for her (our) viewing pleasure.

Best things about this spine!!!!:

• I love how the kinkiest (albeit minutest) scene in the whole tableau is on the spine - no matter how it's shelved, You Will See Flesh.

Best things about this back cover:

• I know this is an odd thing to say, given the rampant nudity, but those are some well-drawn horses.
• "Your calves are so smooth..." "Oh, that's just the satyr urine. It works wonders. Here, let us pour some on your back..."
• Jeez, a crucifixion, too? It's like the painting's running out of ways to exploit the female form.

Page 123~

from a chapter titled, I swear to god, "Ladies' Night"

The pretty young neophyte walked straight to the golden gate, as she had been told to do, and gave her name and that of her sponsor to the door-slave who stood behind the golden bars.

And thus began the first recorded A.A. meeting.

P.S. "door-slave"?

~RP