Paperback 1111: Every Girl is Entitled to a Husband / Nina Farewell (MacFadden Books 75-116)

 Paperback 1111: MacFadden 75-116 (1st, 1964)

Title: Every Girl is Entitled to a Husband

Author: Nina Farewell

Cover artist: Roy Doty 

Illustrated by: Roy Doty

Condition: 7    

Value: $15

[from a big box of books sent to me by reader "Gail"]

Best things about this cover: 

• "If you've got what it takes, but no one takes it" is, I have to admit, a good opening line.
• I also love that Buy is italicized. "Stop thumbing through the book and just buy it already! This is a drug store, lady, not a lending library!"
• You can read this cover as a complex metaphor about marriage being simultaneously exalting and stifling. Or you can read it as "Gladys's avant-garde entry in the Ladies Auxiliary cake-decorating contest."
• The cartooning here is perfect, in its perfectly iconic bland suburban white adult couple-ness. The lady actually looks great, and man that nose is perfectly vertical. Something to behold.

Best things about this back cover: 

• Love a good survey. Were women supposed to cut along that dotted line and send the survey ... somewhere? Seems like it would be easier to just tear the whole back cover off and send that in.
• Gonna need to see those other 14 other "Pleasures" first, please, thanks.
• "(the book)"—not sure why this bit from the Hartford Courant is making me laugh, but it is. "Sorry, perhaps the referent of 'it' is not totally clear; I am referring, of course, to the book as a whole, thank you for listening to this parenthetical comment."
• I love that whoever "designed" this back cover has the confidence and courage to just go by one name. Copy editor: "OK, so ... Karol what?" Karol: "Just ... Karol! You know, like 'Gowns by Irene' ... 'Design by ... Karol!'" Copy editor: "Uh ... sure, whatever, sounds good."

The illustrations in this book are funny and fascinating, though an awful lot of them seem to involve women threatening some kind of self-harm—in case you thought snagging a man was going to be all fun and games:

Page 123~

Her prestige seems to diminish if she tries in any way to please him, whereas it is enhanced when she behaves as though she has conferred an extraordinary favor by granting him the honor of her company.

Ooh, there's a picture that goes with this one, in case you're wondering what such a couple might look like:

~RP

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Paperback 794: Buffalo Bill / Shannon Garst (Pocket Book Jr. J-48)

Paperback 794: Pocket Books Jr. J-48 (2nd ptg, 1955)

Title: Buffalo Bill
Author: Shannon Garst
Cover artist (and illus.): Louis Glanzman

Yours for: $9


Best things about this cover:

• Bed hat.
• Three keys to killing Indians: big-ass hands, mustache wax, and fringe for miles.
• This is a pretty bad cover—a portrait-studio picture mapped onto a generic, over-bright backdrop filled with a montage of tiny, generic "action" scenes.

Best things about this back cover:

• Thanks for the buffalo-killing, dick weed.
• William F. Cody met danger early. Then he had lunch, took a nap, and went to Pilates.
• I like Yellow Hand because it sounds like a 19c. name for a nefarious Chinese criminal organization, rather than what it is—a mistranslation of Yellow Hair, a Cheyenne warrior Cody shot and scalped. "Ever the showman, Buffalo Bill returned to the stage […] his show highlighted by a melodramatic reenactment of his duel with Yellow Hair. He displayed the fallen warrior's scalp, feather war bonnet, knife, saddle and other personal effects" (wikipedia). Again, I say, dick-weed.

Page 123~

The redskins knew the country and were as hard to hunt down as the wild animals of the forest.

Everything you need to know about American attitudes toward Native Americans in one short sentence. (cc Dan Snyder)

~RP

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Paperbacks 780 and 781: The Unknown and The Unknown 5 / ed. D.R. Bensen (Pyramid R-851 and R962)

Paperbacks 780 & 781: Pyramid R-851 & R-962 (PBO, 1963 & 1964)

Titles: The Unknown and The Unknown 5
Editor: D.R. Bensen (both)
Cover artist: John Schoenherr (both) / Illus. by Edd Cartier (both)

Yours for: $12


Best things about these front covers:

• Two for one today, as these appeared back to back on my bookshelf and seemed to go together.
• The adorableness of Winky Peek-a-Boo Demon is considerably undermined by his unholy thumbnail.
• I'm classifying that bony limb on The Unknown 5 as "Fear Hand," though honestly, it's more like "Hey. 'Sup? Hand."
• Can't tell if that bird has no head, or if it's just set completely within its squat little torso.
• I don't know what became of The Unknowns 2-4, but I fear the worst.

Best things about this back cover:

• Weird that 3/5 of the names on The Unknown 5 are legendary and 2/5 I never ever saw before just now.
• Everybody must name something "Cleve," the next opportunity you get. I insist.
• I like that the back cover of The Unknown 5 believes there is such a category as "Fine Paperbacks." Adorable.

Page 123~ (from "Hell Is Forever" by Alfred Bester)

"Ego—" mused the voice. "That is something which, alas, none of us can understand. Nowhere in all the knowable cosmos is it to be found but on your planet, Mr. Braugh. It is a frightening thing and convinces me at times that yours is the race that will—" The voice broke off abruptly.

Don't tase me, Braugh.

~RP

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Paperback 765: 1001 Ways to Beat the Draft / Tuli Kupferberg & Robert Bashlow (Grove / Evergreen Black Cat BC-140)

Paperback 765: Grove Press / Evergreen Black Cat BC-140 (3rd ptg, 1969)

Title: 1001 Ways to Beat the Draft
Authors: Tuli Kupferberg & Robert Bashlow
Cover artist: Uncredited

Yours for: $20


Best things about this cover:

• Well, that's one way.
• This cover is simultaneously horrifying and hilarious (the latter by juxtaposition with the title). Contorted body is one of the most monstrous human figures I've ever seen. 
• Found this little book jammed in among a ton of other old paperbacks on a cart outside Falling Leaves in Ithaca last weekend.
• This book is literally a numbered list of 1001 ways to beat the draft. There are illustrations and documents interspersed throughout. It's a very, very serious joke, this book. 

Best things about this back cover:

• Kill for Peace
• If LBJ got drafted …
• Signature is a nice touch

Page 123~ (pages are unnumbered, so here is a sampling of Ways to Beat the Draft)

11. Start to menstruate (better red than dead)
479. Contemplate the horror of murder
480. Sleep late with your warm girlfriend
782. Be so ugly you fail even Army standards
4. Die 

~RP

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Paperback 740: Your Own Party Book / Gertrude Crampton (Comet Books 23)

Paperback 740: Comet Books 23 (PBO, 1949)

Title: Your Own Party Book
Author: Gertrude Crampton
Cover artist: Abbi Damerow (illus.)

Yours for: $10


Best things about this cover:

• That. Record. Player.
• Pink! Honestly, this is a super-delightful cover. Makes the '40s seem like fun. Super-white, but still fun.
• And nothing says "fun" like "Gertrude Crampton."
• P.S. "Gay"

Best things about this back cover:

• Everyone's so skinny and happy and gay! Look at the adorable short pants and pigtails. Weenie roast! Let's all go back! Civil rights, shmivil rights, the '40s were fun!
• Holy crap, did phones still look like that in '49?! Is your date gonna pick you up in his surrey?
• Jane's glue-sniffing addiction got totally out-of-control at the Valentine's Day dance…

Page 123~

[A recipe for "English Monkey"] [Yes, seriously]

English Monkey
2 cups stale bread crumbs
2 cups milk
2 cups cheese in small pieces
2 tablespoons butter
2 eggs
1 teaspoon salt
A little pepper
1/4 teaspoon dry mustard
1 teaspoon thin bottled meat sauce

"Sprinkle with paprika to look stylish."

Note that they didn't have *kinds* of cheese in the '40s. Just "cheese." Also, I am unaccountably imagining a teamster grabbing his crotch and going "I got yer thin bottled meat sauce right here!"

I will straight-up *give* this book to someone if he/she promises to a. throw a party directly out of this book, and b. provide multiple photos.

~RP

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Paperback 656: Baton Twirling / Doris Wheelus (Warner 78-810)

Paperback 656: Warner Books 78-810 (1st ptg, 1975)

Title: Baton Twirling
Author: Doris Wheelus
Cover artist: photo cover (interior illustrations by Frank Bolle)

Yours for: [Not available—it's a heavily-annotated gift from my college best friend]


Best things about this cover:

• Well she seems happy.
• I assume this is a sex manual in metaphorical form. (For instance, replace "twirlers" with "swingers")
• I always wondered how people learned to do this. Now I know.
• That half-psychedilic font is kind of amazing.

Best things about this back cover:

• "Do I!"

Pag 123~

Let inside of your boots or shoes dry thoroughly after each use so that the bacteria will not multiply.

And now, some illustrations:




~RP

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Paperback 596: A Handy Illustrated Guide to Basketball / ed. Sam Nisenson (Perma Books 47)

Paperback 596: Perma Books P47 (1st ptg, 1949)

Title: A Handy Illustrated Guide to Basketball

Edited by: Sam Nisenson

Cover artist: Uncredited [Really!?!? it's an "illustrated" guide and the illustrator gets no credit? Come on...]

Yours for: $7

Best things about this cover:

• This is from that weird phase in Perma's history where they were releasing paperbacks in hardback form. Paperback-sized, but with stiff boards.
• I like how "spectators" and "fans" are different entities. Like there's this class of watcher out there who's like "I'm gonna watch this sport I don't like."
• Would've been inconvenient to buy paperbacks in Canada. 39 cents!? Just make it 40. Don't make me carry a penny or a loonie or nuknuk or whatever they call their currency around.

Best things about this back cover:

• Mmmm, scintillating description of the object I'm holding in my hand. Tell me more about the "wear-resistant finish"...
• This back cover copy has me wondering about the meaning of the word "permanent."
• "Books to Keep"—because their earlier motto, "Books to Burn," proved disappointing, sales- (and lawsuit-) wise.

Hell yeah ILLUSTRATIONS. 

[If you want to play basketball, the first thing you should know is: middle-aged men *will* want to rassle you.]

[Pretend the basketball is your penis, stick out your weird man-breasts, and then ... sure, yeah, great, do that]

[Use the basketball as a conduit for your psychic powers]

[This is how you show another player you like him]
Page 123~

The ball becomes alive, or goes into play, when it leaves the hand of an official on a toss for a jump ball, or is placed at the disposal of a free thrower, or when it touches a player in the court after a throw-in from out of bounds. 

The ball becomes alive! Now that would add an interesting twist to the game. "Ouch! It bit me! Hey, ref ..."

~RP

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Paperback 450: Bride and Groom / F.M. Rossiter, M.D. (Banner Book [unnumbered])

Paperback 450: Banner Book [no #] (1st ptg, 1961)

Title: Bride and Groom
Author: F.M. Rossiter, M.D.
Cover artist: "Lieberman" (?) (see signature, lower right)

Yours for: $20


Best things about this cover:

• Somebody did not do very well in Life Drawing class.
• Are they lying on an uncovered mauve mattress, or simply standing in front of their mauve-mattress-colored wall?
• OK, what was the deal with women's hair in the '60s? I mean, paperback cover after paperback cover, it's (often) a total nightmare of over-exertion and ghastliness. There was some really lovely looking hair in this era, I know it. Why can't it find its way onto more covers? I'm starting to pity these women, as if they were real people. Though with this woman, when I look at her husband, I begin to think her hair is the least of her problems. I think you're supposed to think he's gazing lovingly at her, but all I see is the dead-eyed look of a junkie who sees a plate of fresh-baked cookies across the room.

I don't know how to convey to you the richness, the pure mad density, of this book. I could spend days commenting on this book. Days. The Table of Contents alone (that's right, the Table of &*%^ing Contents) is a treasure trove of hilarity all on its own. I mean, "perfuming the vulva"!? No joke: "perfuming the vulva." I'll take "Rejected Lifetime Movie Titles" for $1000, Alex. The whole book (The Whole Book) is written as dialog between imagined (god I hope they're imagined) "Wife" and "Husband" and their "Doctor." I think it would all make a very excellent 8-hr. stage play.

Did I mention there are illustrations? There are illustrations. They might need their own, separate write-up. But here's a taste (so to speak):

[from the chapter entitled "Making Shadow Puppets With Your Nipples"]

[What your boobs look like to a really drunk guy]

Oh, the back cover. Almost forgot—


Best things about this back cover:

• "This new edition has been revised and illustrated [...] to further enhance its value as an educational document." I think we can all agree: Mission Accomplished.
• I really wish this book were advertised as "frank" because, frankly, it's the frankest (albeit insanest and misguidedest) sex information book I own.

I made a video of me reading aloud from the chapter called "Sex Facts for Married Couples," but YouTube only loads gibberish (Facebook has no problem with it), so too bad for you. Instead, rather than p. 123, I'm merely going to quote to you from the Table of Contents—specifically, the subheadings for the chapter entitled "The After-Play":

Need for such after-play; disturbing factors; what the husband should do and what he shouldn't do; little personal tricks; husband must exert himself when wife has to; assisting with douch [sic]; washing each other's organs [1]; good night kiss; a wife's "thank you" [2]; post-coital laughter [3]; indication of complete satisfaction

[1] I really hope he's talking about musical instruments here, because ... no.
[2] I assume it's followed by "sir, may I have another?"
[3] "Ha ha ha ha ha ha .... remember when we washed each other's organs ... oh, good times. Thank you. Good night."

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]

P.S. I got the video to work. Apologies for vid. quality in first 10 seconds or so ... and for the fact that the whole thing is mirror-imaged ... and for saying (in video) that book is from 1963. It's 1961. OK. Here you go:

57 Books from the University Book Sale: Book 50

Title: The Album (Pocket Books 121, 1st ptg, 1941)
Author: Mary Roberts Rinehart
Cover artist: [somebody] Silten

Yours for: $10

• "Yo, you got the new Mary Roberts Rinehart album yet?! That shit is dope!"
• So it's ... about a big book. Exciting! Way to hook me with the cover art. How did you know about my leather-bound tome fetish!?

• Bespectacled kanga is kute.

Bonus: Opening pages of this book are ... in the style of an actual photo album:






And there are two maps inside:

Exterior:



Interior:



Page 123~

Jim seemed calm enough as a witness and he made — at least at first — a good impression.

Then he started sweating bullets and rocking back and forth and shouting for more mustard on his hot dog. That's when the bailiff got involved.

~RP

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57 Books from the University Book Sale: Book 17

Title: Stratford-Upon-Avon — Illustrated Guide Book (1933)
Author: n/a
Cover artist: no

Yours for: SOLD (11/21/09)

• I bought this exclusively for the maps, both the cover map an the (sizable) fold-out area map inside (immaculate).
• Lots of photos / maps inside, and huge chunks of advertising in front and back, including one for "Dr. J. Collis Browne's Chlorodyne — safe and reliable family remedy for INFLUENZA, coughs, colds, catarrh, asthma, bronchitis." Also something called "diarrhœa"!

• "Foreign Orders Receive Prompt Attention" — that's code! It's a papist plot! Man your punts!

Page 123~

GLOUCESTER is a busy city with none of the placid charm of Tewkesbury, but it has many features of interest.

~RP

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Paperback 24: Hillman 1

Paperback 24: Hillman 1 (1st ptg, 1948)

Title: Let's Make Mary
Author: Jack Hanley
Cover Artist: N/A
"Interpretative Illustrations by...": Charles L. McCann

Yours for: $15


"Let's Make Sex As Dull As Possible!"

You wanted it, you got it: Let's Make Mary! This book is so mind-blowing, so implausible, that I'm going to have to go beyond the cover to the book's interior illustrations! I fear there is no way to convey the hilariously bizarre and surreal vibe of this book, but I will try...

Best things about this cover:

• "Being a Gentleman's Guide..." - What kind of 18th-century syntax is that?
• "Scientific" - The Kinsey Report had a Massive influence on public discourse about sex, starting in the late 40s, and this book's packaging is definitely a result of that influence. Basically, Kinsey gave scientific legitimacy to public discussions of sex, and paperback publishers exploited Kinsey's success by dressing up their silly sex books (especially novels) as public service / educational publications. This book knows that it's ridiculous (it's clearly intended as humor). Others (which we'll see later) don't seem as aware that their claims of scientific legitimacy are far-fetched and absurd.
• Love the TV screen design. I would watch a TV show with that title, especially if it were some Cinemax After Hours remake of "The Mary Tyler Moore Show."

Best things about this back cover:

I can't even touch this. Nothing I say could out-funny the book itself. Instead, I'll just compile a "Best Words and Phrases on This Back Cover":

1. layman
2. chortle
3. Jim Dandy Special mustache (that's a band name if I ever heard one)
4. Fuddle-Duddle
5. M'Little
6. consort
7. primal urges

And now, a special peek at a few of the "Interpretative Illustrations":


Why in the World wasn't this image on the cover!? Grrrrr...

"Oog" I buy, but "Ssskck?" Worst Cavewoman Name Ever.

Oog is the most disturbingly drawn male figure I've seen in a while. I'm just glad I can't see his face.
"Disturbing" doesn't even begin to describe this. I find myself wondering how the drink got spilled. Then I find myself not wanting to know.
"What's Wrong," you ask? Well let's start with the fact that your lady friend has No Nipples. Then there's the fact that she is a noseless space alien. Then there's your @#$#-ing top hat, you jackass. Your facial expression isn't helping matters either. Is that enough?

RP

PS sincere thanks to Bill Kristol and the folks at powerlineblog.com for plugging my site yesterday. Never thought my first major link would come from a political blog, but I'll take support wherever I can find it.