Paperback 782: Hearse Class Male / Frank Kane (Dell 3528)

Paperback 782: Dell 3528 (PBO, 1963)

Title: Hearse Class Male
Author: Frank Kane
Cover artist: Ron Lesser

Yours for: $7


Best things about this cover:

• "No 'intimate touch' til you take those drapes off, kid. You look nuts."
• "Johnny, I'll do anything—" "Don't bother me, kid. Can't you see I'm smoking? Why don't you go dress up like Mrs. Claus and wait for me, alright?"
• I believe this to be the only paperback I own with a mystery torero on the cover.
• I am very pro- the little "Johnny Liddell" man icon. I strike that pose as often as possible.

Best things about this back cover:

• "An expert in his field—modernist poetry, surprisingly."
• Whole lotta nothing here.
• Lopez looks really weird in the possessive.

Page 123~

The fat man nodded complacently. "Agreed, sir."

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]

Paperbacks 780 and 781: The Unknown and The Unknown 5 / ed. D.R. Bensen (Pyramid R-851 and R962)

Paperbacks 780 & 781: Pyramid R-851 & R-962 (PBO, 1963 & 1964)

Titles: The Unknown and The Unknown 5
Editor: D.R. Bensen (both)
Cover artist: John Schoenherr (both) / Illus. by Edd Cartier (both)

Yours for: $12


Best things about these front covers:

• Two for one today, as these appeared back to back on my bookshelf and seemed to go together.
• The adorableness of Winky Peek-a-Boo Demon is considerably undermined by his unholy thumbnail.
• I'm classifying that bony limb on The Unknown 5 as "Fear Hand," though honestly, it's more like "Hey. 'Sup? Hand."
• Can't tell if that bird has no head, or if it's just set completely within its squat little torso.
• I don't know what became of The Unknowns 2-4, but I fear the worst.

Best things about this back cover:

• Weird that 3/5 of the names on The Unknown 5 are legendary and 2/5 I never ever saw before just now.
• Everybody must name something "Cleve," the next opportunity you get. I insist.
• I like that the back cover of The Unknown 5 believes there is such a category as "Fine Paperbacks." Adorable.

Page 123~ (from "Hell Is Forever" by Alfred Bester)

"Ego—" mused the voice. "That is something which, alas, none of us can understand. Nowhere in all the knowable cosmos is it to be found but on your planet, Mr. Braugh. It is a frightening thing and convinces me at times that yours is the race that will—" The voice broke off abruptly.

Don't tase me, Braugh.

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]

Paperback 779: Million Dollar Murder / Edward Ronns (Gold Medal 110)

Paperback 779: Gold Medal 110 (PBO, 1950)

Title: Million Dollar Murder
Author: Edward Ronns
Cover artist: Uncredited

Yours for: $9


Best things about this cover:

• His head is decidedly not in proportion to the rest of him. I imagine his voice is helium-ridden. "Throw me the flashlight," he squeaked.
• There is a genre of cover painting wherein dead women are draped backwards over pieces of furniture (beds, couches, etc.), of which this painting is a close cousin. Coming back toward the camera, tits high and mighty. It's disturbing, though I guess if I just imagine she's sleeping … less so.
• The cover copy *sounds* good, but really, really lacks logic.

Best things about this back cover:

• Early paperbacks were terrible at this back-cover stuff. Except Dell. Mapbacks heal all wounds.
• "A list. A list of things one might find in a cheap thriller. A list where the last item is long and convoluted. And murder times infinity."
• Edward Ronns is really Edward S. Aarons. Or vice versa. I forget. (I was right the first time)

Page 123~

Broom said: "You're learning. About the birds and the bees, I mean. Take the bees, for instance. The queen bee, especially. You know much about the queen bee, Sam?"

"You're driveling," Sam said.

"Look," Broom eructed, "if you're not going to take these apiology classes seriously, you're never going to be able to write an adequate epic simile. So shut up and listen!"

~RP

PS Fear Hand!

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]

Paperback 778: The Old Man / William Faulkner (Signet 692)

Paperback 778: Signet 692 (1st ptg, 1948)

Title: The Old Man
Author: William Faulkner
Cover artist: jonas

Yours for: $9


Best things about this cover:

• I like how they're both posing and flexing but there's no audience. "Don't I look like the Lancôme girl…?" "I went to GNC and then the gym so …" The ocean gave no reply.
• I was certain this was "The Old Man and the Sea." This book proves that Faulkner was (exactly) half the writer Hemingway was.
• I'm not feeling either violence or terror. I'm feeling people working on their tans.

Best things about this back cover:

• "Psst, I'm down here. Bottom left corner. Fuckers nearly cropped me out of my own author photo."
• "Desultorily" is a great word. Pretty sure I just read it in John Barth's The Sot-Weed Factor, also in relation to a character's university education. 
• Faulkner's "stint in Hollywood" famously included co-writing the screenplay for "The Big Sleep" (with Leigh Brackett and that other guy whose name I always forget). 

Page 123~

When he saw the River again, he knew it at once.

Sorry. It was that, or a sentence that's about 90 miles long. No thanks.

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]

Paperback 777: The Thursday Turkey Murders / Craig Rice (Pocket Books 461)

Paperback 777: Pocket Books 461 (1st ptg, 1948)

Title: The Thursday Turkey Murders
Author: Craig Rice
Cover artist: William Wirtz

Yours for: $8


Best things about this cover:

• Would not have thought a cover featuring a half-naked woman could be this dull and ugly, but evidence is evidence.
• Seriously, terrible painting. I can't even glean context from this thing. Where is she? It's like she's in some creepy guy's ice-fishing shack, looking out in a Dali-esque winter landscape. After an earthquake that has left everything oddly atilt. Plus the painting is all smeary. Blargh.
• Craig Rice was a woman. See also Leigh Brackett. They both ghost-wrote novels for actor George Sanders in the 1940s.

Best things about this back cover:

• This book is part of Rice's "Bingo and Handsome" series, which is the title of a mediocre TNT comedy-crime drama waiting to happen.
• "Baby, your skin is the color of extra-thick whipping cream." Nope. You can say this in as many different voices as you like. Not sexy.
• I will say that "A figure that would have made Venus jump back into the ocean" is pretty damn good, as cover copy writing goes (admittedly low bar).

Page 123~

"Now a bullet from a high-powered rifle would go through a feller's head and come out the other side without making much of a hole, providing the feller had the right kind of bones in his skull and that the rifle was shot off from far enough way [sic]."

I have no idea what it means, but "The Right Kind of Bones" would make an excellent book title.

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]

Paperback 776: Ill Met By Moonlight / Leslie Ford (Dell 6)

Paperback 776: Dell 6 (1st ptg, 1943)

Title: Ill Met By Moonlight
Author: Leslie Ford
Cover artist: Gerald Gregg

Yours for: $10


Best things about this cover:

• Ew, that red. Seems like the title should be "The Band-Aid Was Insufficient."
• I keep reading this "I'll Met …" and thinking "that's not grammar."
• Surely one of the dullest of Dell covers. In their defense, it is a Very early Dell, and I'm not sure they knew exactly what the hell they were doing yet.
• I don't think the eyeball-in-the-keyhole was ever this big again. Love it.

Best things about this back cover:

• Cursive? Really? Could you not afford a font-ist? Or a second color?
• Those are some gigantic sailboats.
• Who is this "Jo" guy? "Jo Village," "Jo Dock" … aw crap, that's a "T"! $&%^ing cursive!

Page 123~

"And then when he came to, days later, he was married to her. I suppose he did the decent thing."

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]

Paperback 775: Slaughter Street / Louis Falstein (Lion Books 172)

Paperback 775: Lion Books 172 (2nd ptg, 1957)

Title: Slaughter Street
Author: Louis Falstein
Cover artist: Robert Maguire

Yours for: $9


Best things about this cover:

• I resent how small they've made the painting here. It's ***ing Robert Maguire! You don't reduce Maguire to a 3x2 in. box, you bastards!
• Is that "Fear Hand," "Sexy Pose Hand," or "I lost 3 quarters in the couch cushions Hand"?
• His hand is super-veiny and emotional.
• "I'm hit! Your fierce, shameless love … it does nothing!"

Best things about this back cover:

• Nice repurposing of front cover art. Hand and gun really stand out in this version.
• Oof, if that simile is any indication of the kind of writing I'm signing up for, no thanks.
• Plot actually sounds half-interesting. "And it was no question of being a squealer" = "He was gonna rationalize, then squeal, then rationalize some more."

Page 123~

He nudged his father as Mike Fortugno took the rostrum to greet the assembled in the name of The Block.

I imagine that The Block is some kind of wrestling deity, and I don't want to be told otherwise.

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]

Paperback 774: Strive and Succeed / Horatio Alger (Value Book 102)

Paperback 774: Value Books 102 (1st ptg, 1955)

Title: Strive and Succeed
Author: Horatio Alger
Cover artist: Uncredited

Yours for: $12


Best things about this cover:

• Strive and succeed at beating the shit out of other boys.
• "Yeah, I took your tie. Whaddya gonna do about it, punk?!"
• This must be the part where the boy grabs his bootstraps and pulls himself up. Otherwise, it just looks like some rich, entitled fuck is picky on the poor drunk kid.

Best things about this back cover:

• That name again: HORATIO ALGER!
• Aw, man, for a split-second I read that as "stories … of hard-on success," and I was intrigued.
• I once read a book about a "supposedly worthless mine." It was called "The Luminaries." I wish I had read this one instead, for many reasons, not least of which is its reasonable 184-page length.

Page 123~

The two boys started for the school, and arrived nearly half an hour early. They entered the house, and, by means of a stout cord, soon secured the hen to the "master's" chair.

It's a heart-warming tale of honesty, thrift, perseverance and poultry pranks.

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]

Paperback 773: The Sea of Grass / Conrad Richter (Pocket Book 413)

Paperback 773: Pocket Book 413 (4th ptg, 1948)

Title: The Sea of Grass
Author: Conrad Richter
Cover artist: "Troop" (?)

Yours for: $10


Best things about this cover:

• Pretty dour, tepid stuff. Two screen legends just looking at each other against a (literal?) sea of grass.
• I prefer a photo cover, or something more dynamic, for my movie tie-ins.
• The book's in startlingly good condition. That's about the only good thing I can say about it.

Best things about this back cover:

• It's not really fair if you fight only the *old* Indians.
• I see your problem, buddy. You got one of them there imported wives. You really gotta buy domestic.
• The "lowest possible price" is zero, Pocket Books, you liars.

Page 23~ (book's only 118 pp. long)

[A] spray of pink loco weed had been pinned freshly across her basque and she still moved with undiminished sparkle and aliveness.

I liked "loco weed" better before I looked it up and realized that it does not, in fact, make you "loco."

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]

Paperback 772: The Mind Cage / A. E. Van Vogt (Tower 43-503)

Paperback 772: Tower Books 43-503 (1st ptg, 1965)

Title: The Mind Cage
Author: A. E. Van Vogt
Cover artist: uncredited

Yours for: $10


Best things about this cover:

• "No, God, no!!! Take me instead!!! Space Capades on Ice needs Debra!"
• Her false eyelashes unlocked the door to … The Mind Cage!
• "Voltaged?"

Best things about this back cover:

• "Transplantation?"
• "He?"
• "His body tingled in a peculiar and nameless manner." — "That's perfectly normal, son. You're becoming a man, and …"

Page 123~

Marin returned to the laboratory, sobered by his own antics.

"That's perfectly normal, son. You're becoming a man, and …"

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]

Paperback 771: Moonraker / Ian Fleming (Signet S1850)

Paperback 771: Signet S1850 (1st ptg, 1960)

Title: Moonraker
Author: Ian Fleming
Cover artist: Barye Phillips

Yours for: $25


Best things about this cover:

• The long-awaited Moonmower prequel!
• Remember when NASA designed its launch towers to looks like giant lady spies? Man, the '60s were awesome!
• I choose to read only the text to the right of her head, thus: "a luscious lady spy that can blow the…" Now *that's* suspense!
• This came out in 1960, when Janet Leigh's haircut from "Psycho" was apparently very popular.

Best things about this back cover:

• Here's rocket in your eye!
• Let he who is without a rocket in his eye cast the mote verily from within thine own talent … is how the bible verse goes, I believe.
• You had me at "Flamboyant!"
• DRAX is an occasional crossword answer. Just FYI.

Page 123~

"I'm terribly sorry, Sir Hugo. But could you possibly stop for just a moment? I want, I mean, I'm terribly sorry but I'd like to powder my nose. It's terribly stupid of me. I'm so sorry."

Hugo Drax then wondered angrily why Gala didn't go back at McDonald's, when she had the chance. I mean, she drank all that soda, what did she think was going to happen? God! Now we're never gonna get to uncle Bob's by dinner! Gimme your Walkman, Gala! Stupid girls don't get Walkmen!

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]

Hardcover interlude: Rented Wife / Jack Woodford (Woodford Press, 1947)

Title: Rented Wife (Woodford Press, 1947)
Author: Jack Woodford
Cover artist: "Artist" is a strong word…

Yours for: $20


Best things about this cover:

• Man, hardback covers were (generally) sterile compared to those of paperbacks. Her boobs are prominent but without erotic quality. His mustache is thin but without erotic quality. Her hair is, indeed, epic, but again, without erotic quality.
• She does have a pretty decent "fuck-you" look, though.
• "Monica, can get you some more of these venetian blinds. In beige again, yes. That'll be all."

Best things about this back cover:

• This won the 1947 NYC erotic poetry slam.
• "Unmoral" is a word now?
• Memo to all authors—just start your own f'ing press.

Please also check out the great dust jacket flap copy—first, the ultra-ambiguous, super-dull, completely non-erotic plot description…


Then the hyperbolic, charmingly maniacal author description: "almost satanic powers of penetrating observation"???


Page 123~

Nope, going with Page 133, to which I randomly opened, and which contains this improbable bit of prosemanship:

On impulse she got up out of bed. Threw off her pyjamas … Started for the door, aflame with passion at the thought of putting her warm nudity down beside his muscular, hairy male body without further casuistry.

"Got a delivery here, let's see … [checks clipboard] …  looks like some warm nudity?" "Oh, great, we've been expecting that. Just put it down next to the muscular, hairy male body over there." "Alright. You gonna want any casuistry with that?" "No, just a receipt will be fine, thanks."

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]

Paperback 770: The Man Who Japed / Philip K. Dick // The Space-Born / E. C. Tubb (Ace D-193)

Paperback 770: Ace D-193 (1st ptg / 1st ptg, 1956)

Title: The Man Who Japed / The Space-Born
Author: Philip K. Dick / E. C. Tubb
Cover artist: Ed Emshwiller / Ed Valigursky

Yours for: $25


Best things about this cover:

• Jackie gonna be *a* severed-headball sta-ar!
• When college pranks go awry. "We said 'japery,' Jackie. 'Japery.' You call beheading the dean 'japery'!?"
• The best, and I mean the Very Best, part of this cover is the teeny arm waving goodbye / pleading for help from beneath the jagged stick pile.

Best things about this other cover:

• Death was their pilot, fear their fuel, underground hot-oil wrestling their passion!
• Hey, you've got to hide your love away! (from the flying pestle-wielding space golems)
• "Halt! Halt! Freddie Mercury wants his boots back! Remove the boots at once or face extreme golem-pestle interrogation enhancement!"

Page 123~ (from The Space-Born)

He stared at the knives in the hands of the searchers.

"Wait … those aren't knives," Tom whispered to Jerry. "Those are just pestles. I say we run for it!"

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]