Title: The Right Bed
Author: Lee Walters
Cover artist: Uncredited
Yours for: $20
Best things about this cover:
- "Homosexual demons, I cast thee OUT!"
- Original title: "Sexy Phrenologist"
- Wanda struggled to remember exactly how to treat a choking victim...
- Hey, Bill, if you want to avoid the Twilight Life, maybe you should move out of The Pinkest Apartment Building In the Universe.
- Conservative columnist Bill, humiliated that he'd been caught watching "Maddow," collapsed to the floor. Wanda knew how to save him from the temptations of liberalism—take him to "The Right Bed" (American Flag bed sheets, portrait of Reagan on the ceiling, etc.) and give him a taste of that sweet, sweet missionary action.
- ... and introducing: House Plant!
Best things about this back cover:
- Where's the stuff about Floyd (!) struggling with his sexuality!? I was promised a "twilight life" on the front cover.
- "What did Jill think of all this?" — of all What? The more you read this description, the less coherent it gets. So ... his ambition is realized through her ... and her ambition is him ... so the conflict is ... what? Nothing. This is a short story at best.
- I like how the writer takes his own metaphor literally: "Jill was his key ... With her he would open many doors." Maybe that's what we're seeing on the front cover: after trying repeatedly to stuff Jill into the keyhole, he collapsed in a pile of rage and shame.
Page 123~
Johnson roamed the paths of the party like a stray buffalo [1], big, almost shaggy, a look of massiveness [2] about his broad face.
- [1] "... like a stray buffalo, knocking over hors d'oeuvres and end tables, wondering how he got into a 5th-floor walk-up."
- [2] You cannot have a "look of massiveness." Something is either massive or it's not. "Your face looks strange darling. A bit ... massive." No.
~RP
[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]
6 comments:
Rex, I am having the most Bland Office Day in the Universe and your blog entry for today totally made me laugh. Thanks! I needed that! Awesome blog.
Of course, I won't be able to sleep tonight, worrying about poor Floyd and Jill.
Like you, Rex, I was thinking, aye, aye - 'twilight life''s code for some sort of sordidness, so divvy up, please!
At first, though, I was too transfixed by what cover girl was doing with her hands to finally grasp Floyd's dark secret.
Her free hand was easy, given the look of distaste on her face - she was trying to flick a bit of very gluey snot off her fingers without being too obvious about it.
Then I thought, ooh, maybe she had some on her other hand's fingers when she started running them through Floyd's toupee and now she's frightened to retrieve it for fear Floyd's wig'll come too.
Either that, or she was trying to glue the wig back on after a failed Vulcan mind meld attempt.
But that wouldn't explain the expression of almost loathing on her face...and that's when it hit me!
His state of complete inner and outer physical and moral collapse; her skull crushing insistence on dragging him back to the 'right bed' by his wig; and that hideous old cruel witch's face that could curdle milk in a county of cows...!!!
"C'mon, Floydie, sweetie - time to come back to the right bed and burst my armpit and underbreast boils the way you always used to do..."
"Ah, but, Mommy, I'm a fifty year old man and the boss of my own firm - I don' wan'o!"
p.s.
Given the colouring of the cover, and our hero's name...brings a whole new meaning to Pink Floyd!
Oh, Borky beat me to the Pink Floyd joke! Borky gets the WIN today.
Oh, that's the type of bedroom I want...Reagan on the ceiling! *runs away, screaming*
Rex: 'I like how the writer takes his own metaphor literally: "Jill was his key ... With her he would open many doors."'
Rex, I think that's just his artistic way of saying she had a face like a bag of chisels.
Deb: "Oh, Borky beat me to the Pink Floyd joke! Borky gets the WIN today."
Wuh-hoo!
Post a Comment