Tuesday, June 11, 2019

Paperback 1042: Bartered Mates / Thomas K. Makagon (Unique Books 144)

Paperback 1042: Unique Books 144 (PBO, 1967)

Title: Bartered Mates
Author: Thomas K. Makagon
Cover artist: that guy ... I always forget his name ... one of you will tell me (Bill Alexander)

Condition: 7/10
Estimated value: a lot

[Newest addition to the Doug Peterson Collection]

Unique Books 144
Best things about this cover:

  • I keep reading "Battered Meats"
  • Get it on! Bang a gong! Makagon!
  • The pointing lady is the best. We don't even get to see her face. Just her amazing get-up and pointing arm. "J'accuse!" "Koochy koochy koo!" "Where Are This Man's Damned Nipples!?"
  • I really dig The Couch Of Impossible Boobs
  • If you look at his left foot too long you will be cursed. I have warned you.
  • This book is bizarrely rare. I searched ["bartered mates" makagon] and got TWO HITS TOTAL

Best things about this back cover:

  • I've seen worse cover copy, but not much worse. I do like the manic use of "—" there in the first paragraph. "Is it a happening, a trend, or a switch ... ? ... fuck it, let's just go with all of the above!"
  • Why is there a comma after "delectable" in paragraph 2!?! Truly, I am bothered far more by punctuation minutiae than by the preposterous cheesiness of it all.
  • OK the first sentence of paragraph 2 is utterly ungrammatical (although LOL at "brain child" quote unquote)
  • Shouldn't it be "a between-pictures diversion" OK I'll stop now.
  • "... the private threats of enjoyed and accepted female aggression" like, try to wrap your head around that. If it's "accepted" how is it a "threat," and to what? Dudes like being whipped by ladies. That's pretty much the end of the story.
  • "MASTERLY POWERS OF FEMALE DOMINATION" was what was written on Jessica Fletcher's business card (or should've been)

Page 123~
Don finished his drink and set it on the dresser, then walked over to the edge of the bed he reached down to the back of her thighs, gently separated them and commenced to kiss the small of her back. His tongue went to her pink lined crease. Slowly he flicked it downward until he had gone as far as he  could go, then pushing her thighs upward, he held her almost on her head. He kept moving downward gradually, pushing her upward. When he found the desired spot, Roxana moaned through her fallen hair. He then shoved her backwards until she was on her back in an opposite direction. Now, he could feel her mouth covering him as they clasped each other's passionate bodies tightly.
Ok so this is terrible in so many ways but I'm stuck back on "pink lined crease" (sic). Is her lined crease pink, or is her crease pink-lined? And which crease are we talking about? Further, where did his tongue go? Where did her thighs go? Downward? Upward? "An opposite direction"? It looks like they end up in 69 at the end, but I feel like maybe that was just a lucky accident?


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vintagehoarder said...

The Literary Review has an annual "Bad Sex in Fiction" award (https://literaryreview.co.uk/bad-sex-in-fiction-award) but alas! it a) only started in 1993 and b) is only given for "outstandingly awful" sex scenes in otherwise good novels (my emphasis). So I'm afraid the passage of purple prose you quoted from page 123 isn't eligible. That's a shame, because I'm sure it deserves some kind of prize!

ukemon said...

Cover art by Bill Alexander.

Rex Parker said...

Thx ukemon