Paperback 906: Amorous Dietitian / Mary Shomette Gooch (Novel Library U171)

Paperback 906: Novel Library U171 (PBO, 1961)

Title: Amorous Dietitian
Author: Mary Shomette Gooch
Cover artist: [I know his name but it's eluding me right now...] [Is it Robert Bonfils?]

Estimated value: $INFINITY (no copies listed at abebooks)

[Newest addition to the Doug Peterson Collection]

Best things about this cover:

• "O god you smell like onions [smack smack smack] that's so hot [slurp]..."
• Tony Curtis *is* ... The Dietitian *in* ... "Some Like It Hot (& Sour)!"
• This is possibly the dumbest concept in the history of sex fiction. "We've done the whole doctors/nurses thing ... where can we go? ..." "Uh ... truck-driving?" "Really? Truck-driving? DO TRUCK DRIVERS WEAR WHITE LAB COATS, BOB? DO THEY!? How's anyone gonna get properly aroused without white lab coats, you idiot!"
• Nice inner side-boob, which I think used to be called "cleavage."
• What kind of antiseptic seraglio is this? Between our breath-smellers in the foreground and the butt-grabbers in the background, there doesn't appear to be much dietitianing happening up in here.

Best things about this back cover:

• First sentence = instant LOL. You can "grin" words now?
• Ladies and gentlemen, meet your newest dietitian: Clete.
• Mmm, breasts in the raw. Pretty sure I saw that on a Brooklyn bar menu.
• Jesus, does this woman have any body parts that aren't breasts?
• "She was a woman and clean." One of the all-time great mic-drop lines. Biblical in its epicness and crypticness. All other writers can suck it. There's a new word sheriff in town.

Page 123~

Warren Grant turned, looked at her, then grinned and sauntered over. His eyes rested on her jutting breasts for a moment, then lifted to her face.

Mary Shomette Gooch graduated summa cum laude from the Grin & Boob School of Writingticians.

~RP

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Paperback 905: Perverted Lust Couple / Val Grasse (Royal Line 118)

Paperback 905: Royal Line RL 118 (PBO, 1965)

Title: Perverted Lust Couple
Author: Val Grasse
Cover artist: photo cover

Estimated value: Infinity dollars (none are offered on Abebooks, so I don't even know...)

[Part of the esteemed Doug Peterson collection]

Best things about this cover:

• "I'm *bored*. This perversion is *stupid*. Why is there a *tree branch* stuck in my hair? You said you were going to get a *nice* birdcage. This one smells like bird. God. It's like 'perverted lust couple' doesn't even mean anything any more..."
• The only kind of sex I can see this cover inspiring is missionary, in the dark, under the covers, weeping.
• My favorite thing about this book so far is not about the book at all, but about my blog: namely that I *already have* a "Birdcages" label/tag. What the hell were those other books?

Best things about this back cover:

• Oddly, the most confusing word on this cover is "one."
• "Hidden"? Check (twice). "Twisted"? Check (twice).
• Sorry, but "lesbian" and "homo" sound positively vanilla compared to whatever avian/oral fetish thing is happening on the cover.

Page 123~

"See, I got everything a man wants. I'm physically a woman. She placed her hands to her lower body and parted herself lewdly.

Missing close quotes here are part of the book's unique "style." This book seems to throw quotation marks in randomly. There are at least three errors (missing quotation marks) on this page alone. I think the book was typeset in some terrible sweatshop where English competence was minimal and desperation was high. And you thought the *content* of the book made you feel dirty...

~RP

P.S. this book is in amazing condition

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Paperback 904: Redburn / Herman Melville (Anchor A118)

Paperback 904: Anchor Books A118 (1st ptg, 1957)

Title: Redburn: His First Voyage
Author: Herman Melville
Cover artist: Edward Gorey (!)

Estimated value: $9

Best things about this cover:

• Well, it's a Gorey, so there's that.
• Sooooo much erotic tension.
• His shirt is so red it hurts my teeth.
• Barefoot! Adorbs.
• Look at the rounded serifs on the "U" and "N"; again, adorbs.
• I want a big checklist of all Gorey's cover art work. I don't actually want to see the covers ahead of time. I just want to know the titles to hunt for, so when I finally discover them, my joy can be fresh.

Best things about this back cover:

• Well, nothing, so ... moving on.

Page 123~

"What was not wrong then, is right now," said Max; "so, mind your eye, Buttons, or I'll crack your pepper-box for you!"

OK that's as good as any hardboiled tough-guy film noir dialogue I've ever heard, even though I think he's just making phrases up.

~RP

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Paperback 903: Joy Killer / Ralph Brandon (Vega V-4)

Paperback 903: Vega Books V-4 (PBO, 1960)

Title: Joy Killer
Author: Ralph Brandon
Cover artist: Uncredited

Estimated value: $20 (unread / perfect condition)

[Newest addition to the Doug Peterson Collection!]

Best things about this cover:

• I think that's her underwear on the floor wax can there. I think. For their sakes, I really hope the floor wax is for the floor.
• Seaman Apprentice! Subtle.
• I can't get over the fact that together, their names make BABY KILLER.
• Once again, Vega (and Fabian, and Saber) books are the best, that is, the worst, in a good way. God bless Sanford Aday and his short-lived Fresno-based softcore ridicu-porn empire.

Best things about this back cover:

• That first sentence of the second paragraph makes me think the writer hasn't really mastered the art of the conjunction.
• So they're both kinky, but not in compatible ways? Am I reading that last sentence right?
• I believe that the title "Joy Killer" makes absolutely no sense. Unless there is some as-yet unmentioned character named Joy ... nope, even then, no sense.

Page 123~

"An orgy of sensual lust! Oh Killer, that sounds so exciting."
"I'm trying to help you, you depraved female. Now pay attention to what the book says."

There follows several pages of Killer reading aloud from some kind of sex-phobic sex manual for new wives, which is then followed by a marriage consummation scene in which "I plunged my throbbing masculinity into the depths of her quivering feminity [sic]."

~RP

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Paperback 902: The Black Curtain / Cornell Woolrich (Ace H-104)

Paperback 902: Ace H-104 (1st thus, 1968)

Title: The Black Curtain
Author: Cornell Woolrich
Cover artist: Stan Hunter [signature]

Estimated value: $12

Best things about this cover:

• Conjoined twins connected at the forehead are pulled apart like taffy. The good twin becomes a stock broker, while the evil twin becomes someone who shoots squirrels with a shotgun. The stress of all this causes their mother to have a stroke that lands her in a wheelchair. I hate covers that give away the whole plot.
• The one-mass-of-images style of cover art was, unfortunately, a popular thing for about five years in the '60s. It's as if, as the amount of real estate for images on covers shrank, the images that should have filled a whole cover decided to huddle together in a kind of amorphous glob. Rather than give the cover art room to breathe, or simplifying the art concept, the cover designers give us ... this.
• My favorite part of this cover is the astonishingly legible full-name signature of the cover artist. Now I know whom to be mad at.

Best things about this back cover:

• Text. Boring. Boo.
• "You've heard of amnesia victims." Have I? How do you know? You don't know me.
  "An average person, like you..." Hey, that stings. YOU DON'T KNOW ME!
• Frank Townsend would eventually find out he's spent three years pretending to be Dick Nixon.

Page 123~

The awful propinquity was over.

~RP

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Paperback 901: The Queen's Awards / Ed. Ellery Queen (Perma Books M-3015)

Paperback 901: Perma Books M-3015 (1st ptg, 1955)

Title: The Queen's Awards
Editor: Ellery Queen
Cover artist: William George

Estimated value: $10-14

Best things about this cover:

• Hunting Che Fear Hand Strangulation Revolutionary Ponytail! I love this story!
• Those frames are a bit ... ornate. That said, I'd kill for a real-life version of Strangulation in Red, frame and all.
• Ellery Queen was a pseudonym for these guys. Also the name of the main character in their novels.

Best things about this back cover:

• I give the opening alliterative salvo a C-.
• "Anyway you like your murders..." is a phrase that bespeaks a certain Coliseum-esque savagery in the typical mystery story audience.
• Eleazar Lipsky wrote the story that was the basis of the film noir classic "Kiss of Death" (1947).

Page 123~ [From "The Stroke of Thirteen" by Lillian de la Torre ("as told by James Boswell, August 1780") (!?!?!)]

"The ingenious Captain Donellan," replied Dr. Johnson, "is a disciple of Linnaeus. He grows the oriental poppy. With that cord-handled claw by his tent he sacrifices the capsule of the poppy, as I have been told they do it in the East Indies where he served. He collects the gum that forms. To put a name to it, it is opium. I smelled opium in the affair when I was informed that Allan MacDonald had been hearing 'sounds colored crimson,' as drugged men may do."

18th-century drug-induced synesthesia! Who saw that coming?

~RP

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Paperback 900: Outlaw Guns / E.E. Halleran (Avon 522)

Paperback 900!!!!!!!!!!: Avon 522 (2nd ptg / 1st thus, 1953)

Title: Outlaw Guns
Author: E.E. Halleran
Cover artist: Bill Randall

Estimated value: $10-14

Best things about this cover:

• I call this one "Rampant Horses On Yellow Background For Some Reason"
• Beardy's all "Oh, 'Outlaw Guns' ... I get it now! Yuck yuck yuck .... boobs."
• She has insane murdery dead-eyed vacant 1000-yard stare.
• Bitch eyebrows? Bitch eyebrows.
• This cover is terribly ill-conceived. *She* seems ready to go, right out of the box, but everything else (except the wicked awesome wood font and Beardy's mug!) is a total mess.

Best things about this back cover:

• He looks less like a bandit and more like a guy protecting himself from a smell.
• Still, that sketch is pretty cool. Love the cute yellow inset.
• Well, of course, if you're gonna have "Outlaw Guns," you gotta have Outlaw Bullets. Otherwise you're just running around waving your guns going "pew! pew!"
• "Pronto!"

Page 123~

"Don't jam the chute," Frazer warned him.

Good advice.

~RP

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