Paperback 932: The War Against the Rull / A.E. Van Vogt (Permabook M4263)

Paperback 932: Perma Books M-4263 (1st ptg, 1962)

Title: The War Against the Rull
Author: A. E. Van Vogt
Cover artist: Some Richard Powers knock-off artist (or possibly Richard Powers, who knows?)

Estimated value: a few bucks, ish

[part of the newly established Laura R. Braunstein Collection]

Best things about this cover:

• This is pretty lazy as scif fi covers go. Feels like it was made on some kind of assembly line where they just slap down hackeneyed visuals without much thought. "Floating orb of some kind ... dude in space suit ... maybe a few other smaller dudes ... wacky '60s font ... paint splatter to suggest some kind of, I don't know, flare? ... And, done!"
• The Rull had eyes in their knees and wore elaborately decorated space woolens, so war was kind of inevitable. 
• I am tempted to read this book, as I have been tempted to read several of these prolific but largely forgotten popular fiction writers (I'm in the middle of a Mary Roberts Rinehart book right now! It's super-fun!). Thanks to Pop Sensation reader and librarian extraordinaire Laura Braunstein for sending me a buncha beat up paperbacks that only a mother or vintage paperback enthusiast could love! More to come.

Best things about this back cover:

• "... or are you just happy to see me?"
• So ... they're Cylons. Or Pod People. Or latent zombies. Got it.
• That is the most nauseating question mark ever produced.

Page 123~ 

With Diddy in tow, the two Rulls came to Cross 2. The Way itself was Cross 1.

Thus setting up an epic '90s space-rap battle. My money's on The Way.

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]

Paperback 931: Soft & Savage Puzzie McKill / David Lynn (Ember Library EL390)

Paperback 931: Ember Library EL390 (PBO, 1967)

Title: Soft & Savage Puzzie McKill
Author: David Lynn
Cover artist: Uncredited (Robert Bonfils)

Estimated value: $20,000 (I made this figure up, but it feels right)

[Newest addition to the Doug Peterson Collection]

Best things about this cover:

• Normally Doug brings me a small bagful of sleaze paperbacks whenever I see him at crossword puzzle tournaments. This time, he brought just one. The One.
• It only now (literally right now) occurs to me that "Puzzie" may be some ham-fisted way of attempting to conjure up "Pussy." Let me assure you, in a hotel lobby full of crossword puzzle enthusiasts, that association didn't land At All. I just figured that outdoor group BDSM was her *second* hobby.
• Her eyes, man. Her. Eyes. "When Irish eyes are BORING A HOLE IN YOUR JUNK!"
• One of the things that actually bothers me about this cover is that Cagey McRageface should really be able to slip out of that bamboo structure. He looks more like an angry go-go dancer than a captive sex whatever he is.
• To repeat, the title of this book is [deep breath] "Soft & Savage Puzzie McKill"—because "Puzzie McKill" would've been too ambiguous.

Best things about this back cover:

• Whoa oh here she comes! Watch out, boy, she'll cut you up. Whoa oh here she comes! She's a Manhater.
• "Mark Davidson" is not a name that can hang with Puzzie McKill. Doesn't quite evoke ... anything.
• Ew to "Trail of lust." Clean-up on aisle puzz.

Page 123~ (hold on to your hats)

A slow smile of malicious glee crept over Puzzie's face as she looked at Mark, her hands resting on top of the Killer's bald head as the man nudged and tugged about in the nest of golden fleece.

I felt like I had a handle on this sentence at the beginning, but then... things fall apart. Let's just say the "nest of golden fleece" is Exactly What You Think It Is. "Tugged about"? Not a verb phrase I'd want anywhere near my golden fleece.

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Tumblr and Twitter]

Paperback 930: Beyond the Night / Cornell Woolrich (Avon T354)

Paperback 930: Avon T-354 (PBO, 1959)

Title: Beyond the Night
Author: Cornell Woolrich
Cover artist: Uncredited

Estimated value: $35 (slightly scuffed but essentially unread; beautiful)

Best things about this cover:

• Double Fear Hand!
• It's like a flood light is 8 inches from her head. No wonder her left eye exploded out of its socket.
• The Ghost Was An Undertaker Who Wore a Virtual Reality Headset!

Best things about this back cover:

• Your lips are sealed, eh? Well MY LIPS DESTROY!
• "When she beckoned, dick had to follow." Wow. That is one powerful seductress.
• SOMEBODY'S CLOTHES!—the tale of a woman who has seriously had it with doing your fucking laundry.

Page 123~ (from "The Number's Up")

She was a blonde, good-looking and mean-looking, both at the same time.
"C'mon," she said huskily. "Let's go while the going's good."

As opposed to the blonde who alternates dizzyingly back and forth between good- and mean-looking. *That* girl's hard to be with.

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]

Paperback 929: You Can Die Laughing / A. A. Fair (Pocket Books 45004)

Paperback 929: Pocket Books 45004 (2nd ptg, 1964)

Title: You Can Die Laughing
Author: A.A. Fair (Erle Stanley Gardner)
Cover artist: photo cover

Estimated value: $5-10

Best things about this cover:

• Yeah, well you can go *$&%^ yourself with this terrible cover, Pocket Books.
• Fully painted covers cost money. This ... doesn't.
• What the hell kind of mask is that? It doesn't even make sense as a decorative mask, as it's ugly as hell. Honestly, I think this "concept" came together in like 30 seconds. Nothing about it makes sense. It is not funny, or creepy, or anything. It is a non-cover. I'm mad at myself for buying this, for any amount of money.

Best things about this back cover:

• Hey there, exclamation point. How you doin'...? You've, uh .... filled out since last I saw you.
• "A figure like one of the babes in the comic strips!" That is a new frame of reference. "Mmm, I really dig her comical proportions and two-dimensionality." 
• Gender-coded font colors! This has been: Great Moments in Reactionary Design ...

Page 123~

Bertha's temper visibly began to rise. "There are times when I could take this paper knife and cut your throat from ear to ear, Donald Lam! What the hell do you mean you rented her?"

Not sure a knife made of paper is going to do much, Bertha. Just punch him in the face. No one will mind.

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]

Paperback 928: Murder Up My Sleeve / Erle Stanley Gardner (Pocket Books 4503)

Paperback 928: Pocket Books 4503 (1st ptg, 1962)

Title: Murder Up My Sleeve
Author: Erle Stanley Gardner
Cover artist: Uncredited

Estimated value: $10-12 (condition = perfect)

Best things about this cover:

• The best-selling follow-up to "Larceny Down My Pants"
• Wow, that dude's magic carpet ride appears to have gone terribly, horribly wrong
• "Hi, I'm here for the 'Yoga for Mourners' class ... my, that's quite a convincing Corpse Pose you've got there."
• This cover is terrible. It has two good things about it: orange, and title font. The rest is a sketchbook, at best.

Best things about this back cover:

• "Hey, what if, instead of an orange rectangle, we go with, like, a jagged ... orange rectangle?" "Brilliant!"
• More great font action.
• Sleeve gun? Ohhhhhhh, now I get it. Murder up my SLEEVE. Good one. Much better than "Dartgun up My Sleeve." Wordplay!

Page 123~

"Mix the highballs, stupid."

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]

Paperback 927: Ashenden / W. Somerset Maugham (Avon PN240)

Paperback 927: Avon PN240 (13th ptg, 1969)

Title: Ashenden
Author: W. Somerset Maugham
Cover artist: Uncredited (who does these awesome psychedelic late '60s Avon covers!?)

Estimated value: $15 (bit scuffed, but very tight, square, barely if ever read)

Best things about this cover:

• This is like "Being There" meets "Laugh-In" meets "Planes Trains and Automobiles" meets "Monty Python" meets "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor MURDER Coat"!
• This cover is Milton Glaser-esque.
• Purple? The spy wore ... purple? Really?

Best things about this back cover:

• It's like a dream catcher ... for breaths.
• There's a lot of "Cold" here. Nothing about the color scheme says "Cold." Earth tones never say "Cold."
• I prefer my dens ruddy.

Page 123~

R. was a soldier and regarded introspection as unhealthy, unEnglish and unpatriotic.

Great sentence, but one that cries out especially hard for an Oxford comma.

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]

Paperback 926: The Doom Stone / Cornell Woolrich (Avon T-408)

Paperback 926: Avon T-408 (PBO, 1960) (serialized in Argosy in late '30s)

Title: The Doom Stone
Author: Cornell Woolrich
Cover artist: Uncredited

Estimated value: $15 (tight and complete but super-water-damaged)

Best things about this cover:

• Vampires shower too.
•  "I said MOOD RING, mom. What am I supposed to do with a DOOM STONE?" "I thought you and your little friends could summon the dead, dear."
• No pupils, no nipples, no problem!

Best things about this back cover:

• Skeletor Eastwood and his international gang of the undead want their goddman doom stone back.
• Aw jeez, why are the men always selling their souls and the women giving their bodies. Can't we, just once, reverse that?
• "Insult to Southern womanhood"!? How? I hope the Doom Stone insults some lady's cornbread.

Page 123~

The Chinese girl in the ricksha said, in an astonishingly genuine Cockney accent that must have rubbed off on her from long association with merchant-mariners and limey tars, "Don't tyke too long, byeby. We imes to get there before the plyce closes down, doncher knaow." 

I think I will add Dr. Doncher Knaow to my list of aliases.

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]