Paperback 590: Morning, Winter, and Night / John Nairne Michaelson (Berkley Books G-166)

Paperback 590: Berkley Books G-166 (1st ptg, 1958)

Title: Morning, Winter, and Night
Author: John Nairne Michaelson
Cover artist: Uncredited

Yours for: $15


Best things about this cover:

• Peter was never that good at vampiring. "Less sniffing, more biting," his mother always said. But Peter was different.
• It's the story of two young lovers, trapped in a magical aging rain that grays your hair but good.
• It's not just frank. It's absolutely frank. 24-karat frank. 99 44/00% pure frank. The frank standard.

Best things about this back cover:

• Correction: *utterly* frank. We apologize for any confusion our front cover copy may have caused.
• Just to be clear: great frankness. OK? OK.
• This sounds like one long story of fumbling with straps and premature ejaculation.

Page 123~

"She'll get well now, I think. It's been a near thing."

"I'll get the milk pails."

I'm just gonna leave that there.

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]

Paperback 589: Summer Widow / Florence Stonebraker (Beacon B394)

Paperback 589: Beacon B394 (PBO, 1961)

Title: Summer Widow
Author: Florence Stonebraker
Cover artist: Al Rossi

Yours for: $10


Best things about this cover: 

• "First the pelicans, now this!? Damn you, oil spill!!!," raged Steve.
• "Your abdomen, it's so hot ... like ... like warm asphalt ... seriously, what the f*&^ is this?"
• The black Sharpie assault on this woman's torso may be the single lamest act of censorship on record.
• Florence Stonebraker ... she sounds like a real ... stonebreaker.
• Every girl's gotta have a pair of beach heels. Or just one beach heel, I guess.

Best things about this back cover:

• Time On Her Hands / Men On Her Mind / Sand On Her Butt
• Oh, "tucked." That says "*tucked* away at a summer resort ..." How disappointing.
• "What followed was ironical and bitter" is a sentence you should work into every story you tell for the rest of your life. It's a lapel-grabber.

Page 123~

She tried to fight. But what was the use in trying to fight an avalanche of insensate lust?

The guitar moaned. 

She screamed ...

Never mind the seeming impossibility of "insensate lust," I can't help thinking about what this monstrous woman is doing to that poor, poor guitar.

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]

Paperback 588: The Sin Shouter of Cabin Road / John Faulkner (Gold Medal s1070)

Paperback 588: Gold Medal s1070 (3rd ptg, 1960)

Title: The Sin Shouter of Cabin Road
Author: John Faulkner
Cover artist: Uncredited

Yours for: $13


Best things about this cover:

• Josiah never went out a-preachin' without his trusty pet slattern.
• Behold what the mind-blowing success of Erskine Caldwell hath wrought. 
• With "ribald," "earthy," "uninhibited" and (on back) "bawdy" all featuring prominently on this cover, I canNot believe there's not a "frank" in sight. I guess "frank" is what you get when you drain the corny humor away.
• I dig the guy's pocket square but what the hell is up with his shoes? Those are some amazing technicolor dream shoes right there. 
• She is supposed to be sexy but she has dumb, lop-sided eyes and looks more seal than human.

Best things about this back cover:

• If you liked "Uncle Good's Girls," you'll "Uncle Good's Girls II: Gooder Than Ever."
• I believe in the reality of a person named "Harry Serwer" about as much as I believe in a "star of Beelzebub."
• Please please please let "the glory trail" be some porn term I'm as-yet unaware of.

Page 123~

"They ain't much difference in them politicians oncet they gits to Washington nohow," Uncle Good said. "They are all jest about furriners. I wouldn't trust nair one in Washington after they let the W P and A fall through."

Uncle Good—poet, prophet, statesman, regional caricature

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]

Paperback 587: The Nothing Man / Jim Thompson (Dell First Edition 22)

Paperback 587: Dell First Edition 22 (PBO, 1954)

Title: The Nothing Man
Author: Jim Thompson
Cover artist: Stanley Borack

Yours for: nuh uh


Best things about this cover:

• I wish I had a foreground me and background me.
• It's like a PSA against alcohol-induced psychosis: "Hi folks. You ever wake up with that 'not-so-fresh' feeling?"
• By "lost the power to love" they mean he has no penis (if I'm remembering this one right, which I think I am, but I could be confusing it with another Thompson title, as castration / genital mutilation is kind of a recurring theme)
• That guy looks like an actor, but I can't place him. Robert Stack?

Best things about this back cover:

• Yep, this is definitely the (or a) penis-loss story.
• Drink is a poor substitute for a penis, I find.
• Awesome psycho-face.

Page 123~

"That's awfully pretty, Brownie. Did you write that?"

"Yes," I said. "I did it under my pen name, Elizabeth Khayyam. I wrote it one eventide on a wind-swept hill while watching a father bird wing home to his wee ones. There was a long caterpillar in his beak and he had it swung over his shoulders, muffler fashion, as a shield against the wintery cold. I ... listen to me, Deborah! For God's sake, listen!"

"Heckuva job, Brownie," she sneered, right before he bludgeoned her to death with whatever blunt object was handy.

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]

Paperback 586: The Girl with a Secret / Charlotte Armstrong (Crest 382)

Paperback 586: Crest 382 (1st ptg, 1960)

Title: The Girl with a Secret
Author: Charlotte Armstrong
Cover artist: Uncredited

Yours for: $15

Best things about this cover:

• the girl who refused to use the 'shift' key.
• She'd be a lot hotter if they'd let her come out of the wall.
• Who knew Georgia O'Keeffe went through a femme fatale phase?
• Back-to-back "Dram" covers. Who says this blog isn't exciting!?

Best things about this back cover:

• Oakland Tribune makes Armstrong sound like a master thief or brilliant serial killer.
• "Very much a bride." What .. what? Is that part supposed to come with a [wink!]? "You know how brides are ..."
• Needless to say, the design of this back cover is unimaginative and joyless, down to the hackneyed, irrelevant tagline.

Page 123~

Ellen opened the door. "Oh, Mr. Tony! Oh ... Mrs. Paige!"

Nicely encapsulates the horror of accidentally walking in on your algebra teacher nailing your best friend's mom. I assume the next line is something like, "My eyes! My eyes!!!!"

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]

Paperback 585: A Dram of Evil / D.J. Olson (Award Books A285X)

Paperback 585: Award Books A285X (PBO, 1967)

Title: A Dram of Evil
Author: D.J. Olson
Cover artist: allworkandnoplaymakesJackadullboy

Yours for: $10


Best things about this cover:

• If I'd had any hand in decorating that room, I'd've hanged myself too. "Living nightmare," indeed.
• Grandma got run over by a reindeer ... and then she lay down on this bed and bled out.
• This cover is making me nostalgic for "Harold & Maude."
• I want to live in a world where more things are done "in the BABY JANE manner." 

Best things about this back cover:

• Ugh. Text. Come on. Enough with the wordy-words.
• Wait ... if the girl had been dead ... Jack Wardlaw would *still* have been a murderer. What am I missing?
• I want to live in a world where more things are "personified by Boyd Hanover."
• Oooh, a *black* web of evil. Nice. I was expecting mauve.

Page 123~

The room was dark and humid and I caught myself actually sniffing the air like an animal, as if wary of his scent.

"Actually" is the definition of unnecessary in this sentence. I'm sure you'd like some fantastically withering comment here, after my month+-long hiatus, but all I've got is my inner editor going "oh, hell no. Cut!"

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]

Paperback 584: The Delicate Ape / Dorothy B. Hughes (Pocket Books 422)

Paperback 584: Pocket Books 422 (1st ptg, 1946)

Title: The Delicate Ape
Author: Dorothy B. Hughes
Cover artist: Uncredited

Yours for: $17


Best things about this cover:

• I have not read this book, but I dearly hope that this cover is some kind of surreal metaphor and not an actual scene from the book. 
• Who would pick this book up based on its cover? "Hmmm, I've always been curious about apes who are also sexual sadists and aesthetes ... I guess I'll give this a try."
• Love the flag motif against the camouflage background. It's like some horribly ill-conceived army recruitment poster. (Upon closer inspection, it's actually a camo-colored map of the world)

Best things about this back cover:

• Well, if you want to know what this book is about, that first paragraph really isn't going to help you much.
• I think the cover is a depiction of "a seductive force in evil hands." 
• I assume the information he has, the information everyone wants, is data on the disastrous consequences of a flower diet in the ape population.

Page 123~

"He's an old man. Something could happen."

"These opportune events do not often occur." Watkins scooped a spoon of ice cream. 

Spy's gotta eat.

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]