Friday, August 19, 2011

Paperback 450: Bride and Groom / F.M. Rossiter, M.D. (Banner Book [unnumbered])

Paperback 450: Banner Book [no #] (1st ptg, 1961)

Title: Bride and Groom
Author: F.M. Rossiter, M.D.
Cover artist: "Lieberman" (?) (see signature, lower right)

Yours for: $20


Best things about this cover:
  • Somebody did not do very well in Life Drawing class.
  • Are they lying on an uncovered mauve mattress, or simply standing in front of their mauve-mattress-colored wall?
  • OK, what was the deal with women's hair in the '60s? I mean, paperback cover after paperback cover, it's (often) a total nightmare of over-exertion and ghastliness. There was some really lovely looking hair in this era, I know it. Why can't it find its way onto more covers? I'm starting to pity these women, as if they were real people. Though with this woman, when I look at her husband, I begin to think her hair is the least of her problems. I think you're supposed to think he's gazing lovingly at her, but all I see is the dead-eyed look of a junkie who sees a plate of fresh-baked cookies across the room.

I don't know how to convey to you the richness, the pure mad density, of this book. I could spend days commenting on this book. Days. The Table of Contents alone (that's right, the Table of &*%^ing Contents) is a treasure trove of hilarity all on its own. I mean, "perfuming the vulva"!? No joke: "perfuming the vulva." I'll take "Rejected Lifetime Movie Titles" for $1000, Alex. The whole book (The Whole Book) is written as dialog between imagined (god I hope they're imagined) "Wife" and "Husband" and their "Doctor." I think it would all make a very excellent 8-hr. stage play.

Did I mention there are illustrations? There are illustrations. They might need their own, separate write-up. But here's a taste (so to speak):


[from the chapter entitled "Making Shadow Puppets With Your Nipples"]


[What your boobs look like to a really drunk guy]

Oh, the back cover. Almost forgot—


Best things about this back cover:

  • "This new edition has been revised and illustrated [...] to further enhance its value as an educational document." I think we can all agree: Mission Accomplished.
  • I really wish this book were advertised as "frank" because, frankly, it's the frankest (albeit insanest and misguidedest) sex information book I own.
I made a video of me reading aloud from the chapter called "Sex Facts for Married Couples," but YouTube only loads gibberish (Facebook has no problem with it), so too bad for you. Instead, rather than p. 123, I'm merely going to quote to you from the Table of Contents—specifically, the subheadings for the chapter entitled "The After-Play":
Need for such after-play; disturbing factors; what the husband should do and what he shouldn't do; little personal tricks; husband must exert himself when wife has to; assisting with douch [sic]; washing each other's organs [1]; good night kiss; a wife's "thank you" [2]; post-coital laughter [3]; indication of complete satisfaction
[1] I really hope he's talking about musical instruments here, because ... no.
[2] I assume it's followed by "sir, may I have another?"
[3] "Ha ha ha ha ha ha .... remember when we washed each other's organs ... oh, good times. Thank you. Good night."


[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]

P.S. I got the video to work. Apologies for vid. quality in first 10 seconds or so ... and for the fact that the whole thing is mirror-imaged ... and for saying (in video) that book is from 1963. It's 1961. OK. Here you go:


borky said...

Haven't watched the video yet - almost frightened to, given the subject - and it's a nice try to slice off the top of your head, but I don't see no metal plate up there, and somehow you're not quite you with out a metal plate...can't y'glue on some tinfoil, or something?

The back: "Doctor Rossiter...incorporates considerable historical and medical background".

Ye', but did it have to include a chart of what Ancient Egyptians' nipples look like after 4000 years of mummification?

And surely some of those nipples're living proof aliens really have been visiting our world for aeons?

I like the drawing showing how Carlos Castaneda's witches' breasts appeared to him - or is it how HIS breasts appeared to THEM?

I also generally approve of the frank tone, but "assisting with douch [sic]" - now is that any way to refer to the husband?

p.s. Rex, I think you missed out a bit: after "post-coital laughter", shouldn't there've been a section entitled "post-coital black eye"?

andys said...

This book sounds like a comedy gold mine! Treasure it always.

Todd Mason said...

Sadly, for his time the writer takes a relatively humane view of the matters in question...Kinsey and co. were rarer birds...

John Flanagan said...

I finally know what to call my Mulberries.

Xerxes Iguana said...

Is the last page a copy of a gobsmackingly spectacular doctor's bill?

Borky is correct. The real Rex wouldn't be caught dead without his bronze scullcap/braincase and implacable stare.

L. said...

After overcoming the horror of the illustrations of various nipples, I finally watched the video. I recommend everyone turn on the CC for a double-whammy of humor.

borky said...

Well, Rexie-Poos, darling...watched the video and you come across very well, affable, charming even, to the degree you seemed almost British - no offence - but I near jumped out my skin when the phone went off!

JamiSings said...

Apparently, yes, a girl can be born without a vagina, especially if mom was a junkie.

"Vaginal abnormalities -- A baby girl may be born without a vagina or have the vaginal opening blocked by a layer of cells that are higher up in the vagina than where the hymen is. A missing vagina is most often due to Mayer-Rokitansky-Küster-Hauser syndrome. In this syndrome, the baby is missing part or all of the internal reproductive organs (uterus, cervix, and fallopian tubes). Other abnormalities include having two vaginas or a vagina that opens into the urinary tract."

Also I just call those kind of phone calls annoying. I'm on the Do Not Call list but I've been getting a lot of telemarketers. However, that's because someone I testified against in a child custody hearing has been giving my number out as revenge. He's doing the same to mom and dad as well.

Jenny said...

My new phobia: Giant, erect membrum(s)... Dear, sweet jesus. I shall never marry, lest the membrum attempt a procedure on my anus.

Lacey said...

OK, before we rip this book apart, let's look at any modern equivalents.

This is the 1950s folks and "sex ed" consisted of "National Geographic" for boys and "just lie there and do your duty sweetheart" for girls.

Yea, you were given a book of nightgowns to buy for your honeymoon, but there was nothing to teach you how to have a successful one. "Good girls" did not talk about such things.

So this is what could be sold in the U.S. and it at least tried to approach a subject long ignored, "what happens when the screen goes dark." We see the couple in the film get married, he carries her over the threshold, and then the film ends or the screen goes dark.

We aren't born with the knowledge to do it right, just to do it.
Speaking from experience guys, I would love if some of you had just read THIS book.

Great post and than you for all your hard work.

Lisa in Oz said...

Erect Membrum is going to be the name of my new band. Either that or Mulberry Nipple.

P.S. I approve of the Aloha shirt.

Sean Brodrick said...

Mirror image, eh? And I see you're wearing a goatee. Was this video indeed shot in the alternate universe where Spock has a beard and everyone indulges their darkest desires, hmm?