Title: A Thousand Beds
Author: John Dexter
Cover artist: Uncredited
Yours for: Not for Sale (Donation to the collection from Doug Peterson, god bless him)
Best things about this cover:
- A cover that answers the question: are there *female* Oompa Loompas?
- I can't even begin to imagine what I'm supposed to be imagining is going on here.
- Her forearm stand is OK, but she needs to extend up through her feet, tuck her tailbone, and look down between her hands. Also, lose the hipster dork with the baby oil.
- Few things less sexy than the entire above-the-neck area on the kneeling lady. Her hair appears to be modeled on a toilet paper dispenser.
- I'm giving this shame-stunt a 7. It's memorable, in its way, but there's a general aura of ennui that hangs over the whole scene. If you're going to do shame-stunts, I think your heart should really be in it. Also, though I can't hear her, I'm gonna say that kneeling lady was a little pitchy.
Best things about this back cover:
- Love this back cover style: "WEIRD PHRASE... nonsensical sexed-up text ... WEIRDER PHRASE!" You can find it on a Lot of sex paperback back covers in the late '60s.
- "VICE VOTES!?" I mean ... that's not even suggestive. It's like it was generated by a Mad Libs, came out stupid, but they ran with it anyway. Makes about as much sense as "VICE PENCILS!" or "SHAME STEREOS!"
- "Mark Vista had left his mark on every woman worth having" — it takes a lot to gross me out, but I think this line did it.
Then I almost shot through the ceiling. Sally had slipped her moist tongue into my armpit  and was making swift circular motions. Her tongue stiffened as it darted into the bottom of one armpit after the other , whipping the hair into a wet lather .
I longed to take her head and take it to fuzzy-wuzzy land . She'd probably think it was an ice-cream cone . But in the meantime, what was the rush? I knew before the hour was out I was going to get my ashes hauled by this classy broad .
- [how many armpits does this guy have!?]
- [Is there an award for "Most Nauseating Sex Writing," because winner winner chicken dinner]
- [How is this *less* offensive than "my cock?" Dear lord!]
- [Because it's freezing and conical?]
- [The absolute funniest word in this whole quotation is "classy"]
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