Friday, March 25, 2011

Paperback 396: A Thousand Beds / John Dexter (Companion Books 521)

Paperback 396: Companion Books 521 (PBO, 1967)

Title: A Thousand Beds
Author: John Dexter
Cover artist: Uncredited

Yours for: Not for Sale (Donation to the collection from Doug Peterson, god bless him)

CB521.1000Beds

Best things about this cover:
  • A cover that answers the question: are there *female* Oompa Loompas?
  • I can't even begin to imagine what I'm supposed to be imagining is going on here.
  • Her forearm stand is OK, but she needs to extend up through her feet, tuck her tailbone, and look down between her hands. Also, lose the hipster dork with the baby oil.
  • Few things less sexy than the entire above-the-neck area on the kneeling lady. Her hair appears to be modeled on a toilet paper dispenser.
  • I'm giving this shame-stunt a 7. It's memorable, in its way, but there's a general aura of ennui that hangs over the whole scene. If you're going to do shame-stunts, I think your heart should really be in it. Also, though I can't hear her, I'm gonna say that kneeling lady was a little pitchy.

CB521bc.1000beds

Best things about this back cover:
  • Love this back cover style: "WEIRD PHRASE... nonsensical sexed-up text ... WEIRDER PHRASE!" You can find it on a Lot of sex paperback back covers in the late '60s.
  • "VICE VOTES!?" I mean ... that's not even suggestive. It's like it was generated by a Mad Libs, came out stupid, but they ran with it anyway. Makes about as much sense as "VICE PENCILS!" or "SHAME STEREOS!"
  • "Mark Vista had left his mark on every woman worth having" — it takes a lot to gross me out, but I think this line did it.
Page 123~ (fingers crossed... uh ... oh boy—gonna have to quote at length here ... and introducing: footnote comments)
Then I almost shot through the ceiling. Sally had slipped her moist tongue into my armpit [1] and was making swift circular motions. Her tongue stiffened as it darted into the bottom of one armpit after the other [2], whipping the hair into a wet lather [3].

I longed to take her head and take it to fuzzy-wuzzy land [4]. She'd probably think it was an ice-cream cone [5]. But in the meantime, what was the rush? I knew before the hour was out I was going to get my ashes hauled by this classy broad [6].
  1. [!]
  2. [how many armpits does this guy have!?]
  3. [Is there an award for "Most Nauseating Sex Writing," because winner winner chicken dinner]
  4. [How is this *less* offensive than "my cock?" Dear lord!]
  5. [Because it's freezing and conical?]
  6. [The absolute funniest word in this whole quotation is "classy"]
Now imagine reading ONE HUNDRED AND NINETY-TWO PAGES OF THIS. What was the market for this!? How could this work as one-handed reading? Wouldn't the constant laughing wreck the mood?

Wow.

~RP

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter]

14 comments:

JamiSings said...

Gee, no comments on the women's huge, pointed nipples?

Why does he have her in that possition anyway? And what's with the oil? Is he a foot fetishest about to do some creative tickle torture?

downtown guy said...

This may be my favorite post you've ever done. And I read all of them.

borky said...

"Hey, baby, I was bored with 69s, but so long's we keep drinking that bottle of paint stripper, this new position the 96's got'o be the best position ever!"

What is it with this guy and armpits? He's even got the upside down Oompa Loompa's feet shoved up his right one!

And as for the other Oompa Loompa, she seems to be saying, "Hey, baby, I keep try'n'o remove this invisible stretch sock but somehow it never seems to come off!"

It's that cover line 'Their shame-stunts scorched the underground!' which worries me, because when you add to it the peculiar brown puddle near kneeling Oompa Loompa's right knee, the two toilet rolls on her head and the back cover's 'Vista had left his mark on every woman worth having', you start wondering if these marks were skid marks!

There's no way this guy was a hipster beatnik type - the beard gives away he was obviously Amish, hence his cockamamie take on what constituted perverted sex.

Brilliant stuff, mate, brilliant!

Lisa in Oz said...

I can't get past the armpit licking. That's going to be in my nightmares tonight. Thanks. :P

DemetriosX said...

The angles are all so off in this picture. As near as I can tell, Chin-Beard has his right leg somewhat behind him with the foot turned slightly inwards. Meanwhile, his left leg is in line with the rest of his body, but the foot is turned 90° outwards. Forearm standing OL is completely behind CB, yet her legs pass from behind him to in front of him, without her turning her hips!. And kneeling OL seems to be both in front of and to side of CB.

Also, weren't bouffants out by 1967? (OK, my aunt wore one into the 80s, but still.)

Something about the guy (but not the women) reminds me of some artist who did a lot of SF covers in this era, but I can't put my finger on it.

Deb said...

"After you've finished putting baby oil on her feet, you can use some of the toilet paper I conveniently keep in rolls on my head to clean off your hands."

Deb said...

BTW, remember Ben Stiller's movie "Flirting with Disaster" (directed, if I'm not mistaken, by David O. Russell, director of "The Fighter)? Well, that too had armpit licking--a man licking a woman's armpit. Wasn't any sexier that way around either.

Deniz Bevan said...

I'm with downtown guy - I laugh at all your comments, but this post takes the cake. What the bleep is this book supposed to be?? Wonder if the author/madlibber is still around?

Sage Tyrtle said...

Oh, I SO approve of the newly introduced Page 123 Footnotes. More, please.

Susan Fields said...

I love the page 123 footnotes, too - had me laughing out loud.

Lyndee said...

I am never going to stop laughing. That page 123 takes the cake. I am going to have to jump on the bandwagon with Sage and Susan. I want more of this footnote business with the page 123s.

Jami - I too was waiting for some sort of commentary regarding the nipples.

It's been like ten minutes since I read this post and I still have not stopped laughing.

Kristopher said...

One of my favorite posts yet, because image is completely strange and the commentary is reflects my own sense of confusion and amusement. More please.

Blue said...

This is every cook's opinion -
no savory dish without an onion,
but lest your kissing should be spoiled
your onions must be fully boiled.
~Jonathan Swift

Best. Post. Ever.

Anonymous said...

Having actually read the book, I can say that it's better than the section quoted might indicate. A fairly creative work lacking - for the most part - the kind of crudity that makes most written porn a thoroughly cringe-worthy experience. Contains very few of the crude words for various body parts that fill most porn, never once mentioning the idiotic "cum," or - if I recall properly - the ugly and demeaning "cunt." "Cock" is used once or twice, if at all. The only mildly-embarrassing word is the oft-repeated, rather juvenile-sounding, and probably satirical "bubbies." And it actually has a plot of sorts.
The cover art is by far the worst part of the book, and the comments I read here are relatively mild. Fact is, I never would have bought the book based on that.