Title: Had I But Groaned
Author: Carter Brown
Cover artist: Uncredited (Robert McGinnis)
Yours for: $15
Best things about this cover:
- We have a winner in the Stupidest Title Of All Time contest.
- Seriously, what is this contrafactive pseudo-poetic nonsense? Is it a famous quotation? Who says this? In what context would groaning make things better??? "Had I but groaned ... I'd've gotten the role in that zombie movie for sure"?
- Back to groaning—it's not even sexual? Moaning would be sexual? I am just befuddled by whatever it is this title is trying to do.
- I keep imagining this as "Had I Butt-Groaned..."
- To this cover's credit—she is amazing. McGinnis-gorgeous. I don't know if that's a lab coat or a towel or what that she holding, or why she's in a haunted house, but I don't much care.
- The stripes on her underwear nicely complement those on the settee. I am 100% serious with that last comment.
Best things about this back cover:
- Copy in red is not half-bad. Copy in black is empty confusing blather.
- You know a story's going to be exciting when the main character is named "Larry Baker."
We reached the banquette a couple of minutes later, mainly because Boris zigzagged all the way across the floor of the restaurant. "Ladies!" He bowed deeply and bashed his forehead on a passing trolley of hors d'oeuvres.
[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter and Tumblr]